Thousands of Russians Cross Border into North Korea to Avoid Draft, Pyongyang Officials “Confused but Pleased”

In an unprecedented reversal of migration patterns, thousands of Russian men have reportedly crossed into North Korea in recent weeks to avoid being called up to fight in the war in Ukraine.

According to sources in the region, the crossings have taken place at multiple points along the Russia–North Korea border, with would-be conscripts using anything from official checkpoints to inflatable flamingo pool floats to make the journey.

THE MIGRATION

Traditionally, North Koreans have attempted to flee out of the country into neighbouring states, citing reasons such as famine, oppression, and wanting to watch The Simpsons without a 20-year prison sentence.

However, the latest influx has stunned Pyongyang officials, who have never previously experienced voluntary immigration.

“Usually, if someone knocks on our border gate, it’s to leave,” one bemused North Korean border guard reportedly told state media. “We had to look up the procedure for letting people in. The manual was covered in dust and dated 1953.”

REASONS FOR THE EXODUS

Many of the new arrivals say they chose North Korea because it is “the only place on Earth where Putin can’t send a draft letter.”

One man, who gave his name only as Viktor, explained:

“My options were prison in Russia or… well, a prison that covers an entire country. But at least here I won’t be shipped to the front. Unless Kim Jong Un starts a war with Canada, in which case I’m screwed.”

Another migrant said he was “looking forward to the free haircuts” and “state-approved music playlists” but admitted he was “still getting used to the smell of mandatory cabbage fermentation.”

AEROFLOT’S UNEXPECTED BOOM

The unusual migration surge has triggered an equally unusual economic uptick — in flights to Vladivostok, the closest major Russian city to the North Korean border.

Aeroflot reported a 700% increase in one-way ticket sales to Vladivostok in the past month, prompting a sharp rise in the airline’s share price.

Chief Executive Sergei Chugunov told investors:

“We are proud to facilitate the… relocation… of patriotic citizens seeking a change of scenery. Demand has been so high that our shareholders are now drinking two glasses of champagne at the AGM instead of one.”

Insiders say Aeroflot is considering renaming its Moscow–Vladivostok route the “Freedom Express,” though the Kremlin has quietly requested they “pick literally any other name.”

PYONGYANG’S RESPONSE

The North Korean government has issued an official statement welcoming the arrivals as “heroes of peace who have chosen to live under the loving care of the Supreme Leader.”

Officials say they are developing a “Special Russian Friendship Zone” in a disused munitions factory outside Chongjin, where migrants will be given “meaningful employment” such as painting murals of Kim Jong Un or testing the country’s latest anti-bird missile systems.

POTENTIAL ISSUES

Despite the propaganda fanfare, some challenges have emerged. Reports suggest that several Russians have already attempted to tunnel back into Russia, citing “a desperate craving for McDonald’s” and “slightly less censorship.”

International observers are baffled by the reversal, with one UN analyst remarking:

“Historically, people only moved to North Korea accidentally — usually after a very wrong turn while hiking. To see voluntary mass immigration is… let’s just say it’s new territory.”

LOOKING AHEAD

Kim Jong Un has reportedly offered the new arrivals honorary citizenship, promising them the “full benefits” of life in North Korea, including:

• Three radio stations (all playing the same song)

• The annual chance to see him through binoculars from 200 metres away

• The ability to own one (1) chicken per household “if loyalty is proven”

Viktor, for his part, remains optimistic.

“I know people dream of leaving North Korea, but I see this as a fresh start. Besides, once you’re here… how much worse can it get?”

The border guard who admitted the first group said he still wasn’t sure whether to stamp their passports or just keep them “as curiosities.”

North Korea - Russia Border

Sunday League Goalkeeper Apologises for Letting in Four Goals After Being Distracted by Ice Cream Van

A Sunday league footballer has issued a “full and heartfelt” apology to his teammates after letting the team down by conceding four goals in the second half, admitting he was distracted by an ice cream van pulling into the car park.

Gary “Safe Hands” McDonald, 34, of The Dog & Duck FC, said he “lost all concentration” during the match against rival pub side The Kings Arms after hearing the distinctive chimes of “Greensleeves” from behind the goal.

“I’d been thinking about a 99 Flake since the warm-up,” McDonald told The Gazette.

“When I heard that tune, my head was gone. Before I knew it, they’d scored twice and I was halfway through ordering a Screwball.”

Team captain Steve Pringle said the incident had left morale “at an all-time low”.

“We were 1–0 up at half time and looking solid. Then Gary vanished from the six-yard box and reappeared licking a Twister. The ref didn’t know what to do.”

Manager Derek “Del” Baines confirmed McDonald would “remain part of the squad” but would be fined one match fee and banned from all frozen desserts until the end of the season.

“We can’t have this happening again,” Baines said.

“If an ice cream van pulls up during a cup final, we’re finished.”

McDonald concluded his apology by promising fans “it won’t happen again” and that he will “stick to a Capri-Sun at half time like everyone else”.

The Dog & Duck went on to lose 5–2.

Seagulls Threaten Nationwide Strike Over “Inadequate Chip Portions”

Britain’s seagulls are set to take industrial action next month over what they describe as “insufficient chip allocation” from seaside visitors, the British Union of Gulls (BUG) has announced.

The strike — the first in avian history — is scheduled to begin on the first weekend of the school summer holidays, and is expected to cause “significant disruption” to traditional beach activities.

A BUG spokesperson, Gulliver Peck, said:

“We have tolerated shrinking portion sizes for years. Once, a gull could feed a family on a single dropped cod and chips. Now we’re fighting over two soggy fries and half a sausage.”

According to BUG, inflation, rising fish prices, and the “double whammy” of seafront chip shops replacing paper cones with closed cardboard boxes have all contributed to the dispute.

The Department for Coastal Affairs has urged both sides to “remain calm” and to avoid “violent swooping” during negotiations. However, tensions remain high, with reports of militant seagulls in Scarborough already refusing to snatch sandwiches until “a fairer sharing arrangement” is agreed.

The strike could also impact inland cities, with urban gulls threatening to target Greggs customers in retaliation for what they call “historic pastry injustices”.

Peck warned:

“If our demands aren’t met, this summer will see empty skies over Britain’s beaches… and dangerously full bins.”

 

Christmas Ghosts set to strike in row over pay and expenses

The three Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, as well as Jacob Marley, are set to take industrial action this Christmas in a row over pay and employee expenses, the Fright union has said.

The strike could cause some disruption during what could be the busiest Christmas period since the pandemic.

The ghosts are well known for visiting selfish people at Christmas in an attempt to get them to change their ways.

They will strike entirely on December 24th and 25th unless the Government meets the demands of the Fright union which represents the ghosts.

The impact of the action is uncertain, although Fright said more selfish and un-reformed people in 2024 was a 'strong possibility'.

The three ghosts gained fame in the 1840s when they were successful in reforming London based moneylender Ebeneezer Scrooge into a kind and thoughtful man, from his previous character of being selfish, self-centered and greedy.

A spokesghost at Fright said in a statement:

"We find it entirely unacceptable the way this government is treating our members.

"Our ghosts are out working the nightshift on Christmas and they need to receive a fair pay for this. Not only that, but they need expenses covering also.

"One of our employees, Jacob Marley, wears a large chain which he carries around in the afterlife as a symbol of how chained he was to his work when he was alive. It was starting to get rusty and he's had to go out and buy a new one. The Government have refused to allow him to claim this on expenses.

"It's a similar situation with Ghost of Christmas Future who accidentally damaged his robe after having one too many Peach Schnapps at the office Christmas party last year. He had to foot the bill for a new robe himself.

"These working practices are simply unacceptable and unless the Government comes up with a better solution at the negotiating table, these strikes will be going ahead."

The Government's Department for Poltergeist Affairs has so far refused to detail what offer could be on the table at the next round of negotiations.

Sky Cinema and AXN to launch new TV channels

Sky Cinema is launching two extra screens dedicated to celluloid violence: Sky Cinema Violence and Sky Cinema Extreme Violence. If successful Sky Cinema Language and Sky Cinema Language HD will also join the movie package.

Instead of violence being edited out, more violence will be added to special versions of films for the new channels.

Simon Turley, Sky Spokesman said: "We are launching the channel with a theme night in which we only show films in which everyone in them ends up dead. The channel is due to launch on August 11 on the anniversary of the London riots. There will also be a +1 channel because everybody, whether they admit it or not, likes to see violence over and over again.

"The new screen dedicated exclusively to the bad language of the big screen will also offer a theme night on its launch, showing films with at least one utterance of the "see you next Tuesday" flavoured expletive, which I'm not officially allowed to say on this statement."

Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels fits both channels perfectly and will be extensively shown. Footage from violent video games will also be shown in morning slots when no 18 certificate can legally be shown. A complete tour of Afghanistan as played in a Call Of Duty game by a hardcore gamer will feature in the schedule of he first week.

Irvine Welsh the author of Trainspotting has said to have been booked to introduce some of the films. A commotion was caused when he accidentally walked into the Sky News studio and started introducing the "f'**king weather", as a result OFCOM has fined for a TV station for the first ever time for a non compliant weather forecast.

Meanwhile, in Europe, Sony-owned broadcaster AXN is set to release new coloured channels to join their portfolio. Currently, in addition to the main AXN channel, AXN White and AXN Black is available to customers in a number of countries including Poland, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria and the Czech Republic.

Sony have stated that the following channels will be added to the AXN line-up:

AXN Yellow - Showing Chinese films

AXN Green - Showing films from other plants across the galaxy

AXN Blue - Showing films from underwater

AXN Grey - Showing old Hollywood films nobody wants to watch anymore

AXN Purple - Barney 24 hours a day

AXN Multicoloured - Stoned TV

Man successfully sues friends for 'unpaid rent' after Monopoly game

A man has successfully sued his friends for 'unpaid rent' following what started of as a friendly game of Monopoly.

John Matthews, 30, held a games night at his house in Burton-upon-Trent, Staffordshire back in December and invited four of his friends over. One of the games played was the Derby version of Monopoly.

It is alleged that Mr Matthews' obtained a number of properties on the game and built apartment complexes using the red and green board pieces that come with the game.

Matthews complained that when his friends landed on his properties, they refused to pay him any rent in Monopoly money, which the victim says was "out of spite", despite some of the properties he owned being located right next to the "Collect M200 Million As You Pass Go" square, and so they could "clearly afford the rent."

Mr Matthews said in a written statement: "It started out as a friendly game of our local monopoly, but unfortunately things turned dark when my so called 'friends' refused to pay the rent they owed me. There's absolutely no excuse for it. They are cheaters and I'll be damned if I ever play Monopoly with them again."

Mr Matthews took all four of his ex-friends to Burton-upon-Trent County Court, where he won his case and they were ordered to pay him costs and compensation, apologise and to read the rules on Monopoly in full. As a result, they are now reportedly in 'financial dire straits' and one has had to downgrade accommodation to a cardboard box near Burton train station.

This is due to the Board Games Act 2017, which states anyone playing Monopoly enters into a legally binding contract, and therefore must pay rent when it is owed. This is the first reported case of this kind in the country.

One of Mr Matthew's friend's, Dan Smith, defended his actions, saying he didn't know he had to pay rent as "John had been in jail."

He told us: "John picked up a chance card and was thrown in jail for unpaid taxes. I thought if he was in jail, we didn't need to pay rent on the properties he owned. He's coming after us for unpaid rent, but he clearly doesn't pay his own bills, otherwise he wouldn't have ended up in jail. He needs to look at his own morals before attacking others."

According to another one of Mr Matthew's friend's, the game ended when he failed to roll a double six to get out of jail, he immediately saw red and ended up throwing the game board off the kitchen table in extreme anger, with red and green board pieces, chance cards and community chest cards going across the floor, before he stormed off, claiming the game was "stupid anyway".

Matthews later concluded by stating that they would be sticking to non-board games in the future, including Twister and Pass The Parcel. However, he may be playing on his own, as he allegedly no longer has friends and people in the Burton-upon-Trent area regularly cross to the other side of the road when they see him approaching.

Mr Matthew's former friends will be featured on the next series of Channel 5's 'Can't Pay, We'll Take It Away'.

Monopoly Derby Edition

Lynx create new anti-deodorant to increase foul odour

Lynx have created a new anti-deodorant that means people will always, constantly smell of B.O, all day, everyday.

Traditional sprays or roll-ons aim to either mask pongs or block the pores to stop sweaty armpits.

But a new formula has been designed that encourages chemicals in sweat to turn into bad smells.

It was developed by Lynx at their UK headquarters in Leatherhead, Surrey and will be trialed across Europe for the next two years before being made globally available by 2020.

The anti-deodorant can be used immediately after a shower to bring back the musky, sickly B.O. smell which clean hygiene would usually otherwise remove. The target audience is those who wish to be clean, yet also incredibly sticky, which is 95% of the UK population according to market research.

Various flavours of the new product will be available on the shelves including Lynx Hobo, Lynx Musky, Lynx Silage and many other flavours not yet announced. According to an insider at Lynx there will be different flavours to simulate mud, silage, stagnant B.O., dirty oil from the garage and that smell after you've just had sex.

Jason Speakman, CEO of Lynx UK, said: “We are very excited here at Lynx to be adding a variety of new flavours to our portfolio to achieve maximum customer satisfaction.

"We have carried out extensive market research across the country to find out what our customers want and we are happy to be providing the products that the public are demanding.

"We are aiming for our new anti-deodorant products to hit the shelves globally by 2020."

Funny News attempted to contact Dove and Gillette for their views on the new Lynx product, but they could not be reached for comment. Industry analysts believe they may be attempting to rival Lynx with a new anti-deodorant of their own, which is said to be based on human excrement. However no official word has been given on this yet.

Promotional poster for the new Lynx Silage anti-deodorant
Coming soon to a bus stop billboard near you

Pudsey Bear gets jail time for £9.8k benefits fraud

A 31-year-old cartoon bear has appeared in court charged with fraudulently claiming nearly £10,000 in benefits he was not entitled to.

Pudsey Bear, from Pudsey, West Yorkshire, appeared at Bradford Crown Court on Friday charged with three counts of failing to notify the Department of Work and Pensions of his change in circumstances and one count of dishonesty for making a false statement in order to obtain benefits.

Pudsey pretended he was disabled by wearing an eye patch over his right eye when in actual fact, his eye was working fine and he did not need the eye patch. Pudsey further claimed that it took him as long as four hours to walk from the BBC studios in Elstree, Hertfordshire to the Co-op down the road, however it was discovered that this was normal for stuffed teddy bears and was not due to a disability.

The court heard how Pudsey claimed a total of £9,830.68 in benefits in 2012, for which he was not entitled.

Initially, Pudsey was claiming the benefits correctly in 2005, but continued to claim them despite a change in his circumstances in which became employed as the mascot for BBC's Children In Need.

DWP became aware of the situation after noticing the bear on BBC 1's Children In Need, and an investigation was launched with private investigators stationed outside the TV studios in Hertfordshire. Pudsey was secretly photographed reading a copy of the Watford Mercury without his eye patch, smoking and being manhandled by 10 year old Pudsey fans.

Speaking at court, magistrate Neil Russell said: “We have heard you have pleaded guilty to these four offences which have cost the tax payer over £9,000.

“For these four offences, the sentence would have been 26 weeks in prison, reduced on the basis of your early guilty plea to 18 weeks which will run concurrently to your existing sentence.

“There will be no financial implications to this – the local authority will seek to make whatever arrangements they need to get the money back. There will be no costs due to the prosecution nor a victim surcharge to be paid.”

The BBC will not be recruiting for a new Children In Need mascot as Pudsey will have served his time before the next Children In Need event.

All new bin men in England and Wales to have degrees

All new bin men in England and Wales will have to be educated in physics to degree level from 2020, the College of Waste Disposal has announced.

It said the training would help address changes in waste disposal.

Prospective bin men can either complete a three-year "degree apprenticeship", a postgraduate conversion course or a degree.

The National Council of Waste Disposal Operatives said the changes would "help modernise the service".

The college's Chief Bin Man Stewart Marshall said the feeling was the nature of waste disposal work has changed significantly and bin men now need to be able to identify the waste people throw away by the chemical elements of each piece of refuse.

"Inappropriate recycling has increased," he said, "We now see people mixing their recycling by placing cans and bottles in their general waste bin."

He also said protecting household recycling facilities has become a "high priority", with staff at these facilities now spending more of their time working to ensure members of the public are placing their refuse in the correct recycling container.

In many cases, when something is recycled incorrectly, staff members have to enter the container to manually retrieve the piece of refuse, whether it's a mattress that's been placed in a garden waste container, or a 70 kilogram filing cabinet that's been thrown into the electrical container.

This is often dangerous for the staff member, but essential.

The College of Waste Disposal, which is responsible for setting standards of ethics and training for bin men and recycling facility staff, is in talks with 12 universities about running the degree courses.

The syllabus is likely to cover chemical elements of every piece of possible refuse, the history of waste disposal, the evolution of waste disposal as well as what each bin and blue box is for and health and safety when climbing into the recycling containers to retrieve and incorrectly discarded piece of refuse.

There will be three options at entry level:

• A three-year waste management manager degree apprenticeship paid for by the council, allowing individuals to "earn while they learn" - spending 80% of their time on the frontline of waste disposal, and the rest completing their degree while receiving a salary

• A practical waste disposal degree, as seen in other professions, where the student would complete a three-year self-funded course and apply for a job once qualified

• For graduates, a six-month postgraduate conversion course funded by the council

Other changes to be introduced include:

• A national set of qualifications for recycling centre staff following promotion, for example in skills such as management and leadership

• A requirement for officers applying to be assistant deputy or above in a household recycling facility to have a master's degree - to be paid for by their council

The college plans to publish a directory of education qualifications for bin men and recycling staff next summer, with guidance as to how their on-the-job experience counts and what funding might be available to support them.

There are currently no standard recruitment requirements for bin men across the 174 councils in England and Wales.

UFO over Phoenix, Arizona identified as a plastic carrier bag

There were multiple reports of a UFO sighting in the sky over Arizona on Tuesday night.

Locals in Gilbert, southeast of Phoenix, claimed to see something white with two handles with "Walmart" written on it moving north to south in the East Valley area, before flying directly northwards towards Mesa. There was also another spotting on the other side of the valley in Sun City, near Glendale, however this was believed to be from Target.

One resident, named Todd, excitedly posted footage of the unusual sight onto Twitter, writing: 'Did anybody else just see a UFSB!?' (Unidentified Flying Shopping Bag)

He then quickly followed up his post with: "Oh, it's got the Walmart logo on it, nevermind!"

In the video, an object with a body and two handles can be seen crawling upwards in a sequence-like pattern.

The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office said it was dispatched to check that the shopping carriers were American and not illegal shopping bags that had blown in from a Mexican supermarket, south of the border.

Additionally, Glendale Walmart and Sun City Target did not return calls for comment.

Porn viewers affected by nationwide fault with online payment system for pornography sites

A fault with a pornography provider's card payment system left scores of customers across the UK queuing for extended lengths of time to pay for their 18+ content.

Porn customers across the UK were not able to pay with the online card system, or PayPal on Sunday October 30.

The failure hit customers from Kent to Kilmarnock, Prescot to Preston and Macclesfield to Melton Mowbray.

Unconfirmed reports noted customers in the Republic of Ireland may also have been struck by the technical fault including customers from Dublin, Cork and Waterford.

Various UK-based porn websites confirmed that at around 12.45pm they had temporarily switched off access in order to rectify the system issue.

This meant customers were unable to carry out their Sunday afternoon masturbation session and left many bulges in trousers across the nation.

Regular porn viewers have told of their experience.

A man who asked not to be named, but is a P. Skinner from Bootle, said: "I was so desperate I inadvertently went out and bought a carrier pigeon, and sent it with the payment in cash to the porn site's head office in London."

Two customers described visiting the website.

Michael Westbury from Hull said: "I was trying to access my favourite porn site, but all I got was an Error 404 message. Absolutely crazy!"

John Taylor from Ramsgate said that he had to resort to watching free porn sites, but that it "just wasn't as good" as his regular, paid content.

A spokesperson from the porn site said: “We are in the process of resolving a technical issue with our card payment system on site.

"We're continuing to process payments as quickly as we can but apologise to our customers for the inconvenience this has caused.”

"As a gesture of goodwill, we will be giving all our users one month free access as well as a meet and greet with the pornstars."

The Political Corner: Obama goes on warpath after negative White House review on TripAdvisor

Just as he prepares to step down for his successor in a couple of months, President Obama is said to be fuming with outrage that a visiting dignitary from North Korea who visited and stayed inside his official resident, The White House, has seemingly left a bad review on the TripAdvisor website.

A man with the username “pyongyangoffcial1kimjongunisourgreatestoverlord1lol” left a scathing report on the tourism review site TripAdvisor, panning everything from the President’s choice of curtains, his choice of carpets, the colour of his kettle to the state of the bathroom, which according to the man’s review had a single human hair in it by the taps, which were gold according to the review and the shower had silk curtains.

President Obama’s reaction on being informed about the review was said to have made him utter words that according to a chief U.S. dignatory “should never enter the consciousness of the American public” as he heard expletives that he didn’t even know existed.

Obama has also been said to have knocked the Oval office coffee table out of shape by pummeling it with his bare fists, smacked a portrait of Abraham Lincoln off the wall in one of the hallways and spilled some of his coffee onto the top part of his knee as examples of some of his behaviour that followed when he was informed about the bad review.

After he calmed down following the outburst of anger which lasted precisely 31 seconds, he took steps to remove all future internet access from the internal White House Wi-Fi for official guests. If a guest in the future tries to access Google, or TripAdvisor for that matter, they will instead be redirected to a video of cute kittens playing with each other and there will be a place to leave suggestions on an internal site only.

If a guest then tries to access the internet on a mobile device instead, that will become a matter for the CIA who will confiscate any such device and hold it indefinitely by completely wiping it and then selling it second hand on eBay.

Obama was said to remark: “Things are getting so strict inside this White House that everyone‘s even going to have to breathe in a certain way.”

He also threatened vengeance on North Korea which he said would take a “nuclear form” but the threat was very quickly retracted by the White House because of the slight possibility that a nuclear holocaust might result in reaction by North Korea, so instead President Obama has resolved to create an account on TripAdvisor and reply respectfully.

Obama also claims that watching episodes of “Looney Tunes” calms him down. In an official statement, Obama said: “Whenever something goes wrong in the Middle East, I go and watch some of Bugs Bunny’s crazy antics for half an hour and then usually I have the presence of mind to come up with a solution."

Donald Trump on hearing about the story claimed that he wouldn’t leave Pyongyang as anything more than a smoking hole in the ground in response and that the reviewer must have been a Muslim. 

The Review

*/*****

"The mighty DPRK visits the US, for first time in half century, and we be most accommodated for five minutes, and then nothing but misery.

"Yes, I no like stay in White House, sense of style, you must be laugh, we have far more, how do you say, decorum in Pyongyang isn’t it lol. The curtains are just draped, just all down you, when you try to do what you’ve got to do, silk is very beautiful, I like! But I have allergic reaction,

"I try to take shower, remove the bits of skin caused by Obama curtain, it no come off, when I try to reach bathroom quick, I have to wait and then escort by many guards, then the carpet itch my feet, it has an ugly colour, like something that I last saw drop from dog bottom.

"When I am itch, I laugh and be disgusted at the same time at the sight of this, they offer me tea to calm me, the kettle is too bluey-purple for me, I get colorblinded, we have a nice tasteful red in our president palace of Kim Jong-un grand overlord, much be respect to you sir.

"This white house, I can no recommend, visit if you have to, if you can not stand it, only have diplomatic relations with more tasteful country. I’m out. P.S White House, I have your towels haha!"

Obama's Response

PresidentObama has responded to this review

“I have never been so insulted, so enraged and so disappointed by the conduct of you and many of your personal entourage on your state visit to the White House last week.

"However, for the sake of relations between us in the United States of America and the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, particularly given the ever increasing size of your nuclear arsenal, both you and I know that you’ve got enough nuclear based weaponry to make Chernobyl look like a firework, I think we should draw a line under what happened and let bygones be bygones.

"I will admit that we did not show enough sympathy in an official capacity for your sudden dramatic skin rash and for that I am truly sorry on behalf of me, and every one at a senior level at the White House and in the U.S. government.

"We should have called that ambulance as you requested and it would not have been a complete waste of time as I suggested in an outburst of anger that I am very sorry for now!

"As I know Kim Jong-un (our supreme overlord, I bow) is hovering nearer and nearer the red button every day, I shall do my utmost to avoid offending him and anyone closely associated with your great country ever again. I will even order a recall of “The Interview”, consider that my most personal apology and compensation.

For when you next visit. I have personally ordered one room to be decorated in Pyongyang style with a colour scheme, furnishings, carpet and fittings that are in complete homage to the great Kim Jong-un.

"P.S your country is nuts! JOKE! JOKE! Just in case you get all offended again, take life a bit less seriously like I do the tax laws and obamacare, so we all learn to get by! 

"President Barack Obama"

Science News: Nuclear refuse to be dumped on moon

It has been announced that NASA has entered into partnership with Cumbria County Council Waste Management Services and British Nuclear Fuels Limited in a new project which will take the UK’s unwanted nuclear waste material from the Sellafield Nuclear Power Plant and simply dump it on the moon.

A spokesman from NASA has caused controversy by claiming it will make the moon “more exciting” because the nuclear material left stranded on its rocky surface “will quite literally glow in the dark and turn the colour of the moon at night from white, to one which will resemble the Emerald City from the Wizard Of Oz”.

When asked about any personnel that might be on board, NASA confirmed that not only will it not be a manned mission, but it will also not be safe for any human to visit the moon’s surface ever again as it will be a bit contaminated.

It has been announced that there will be an exclusion zone in place, which will happen to be the entire Moon.

Controlled explosion carried out at postbox in Cambridgeshire after highly secret microSD card accidentally posted

A MicroSD card featuring the complete back catalogue of Queen has been accidentally dropped into a random postbox in St. Neots, Cambridgeshire.

The card contained content that is protected by the Official Secrets Act that we are not allowed to reveal, but will anyway. Content included rare studio mixes and precious outtake, and for some reason, images of Freddie Mercury sitting in a variety of positions on the toilet, which included a rare golden toilet seat that nobody outside Garden Lodge in Kensington has ever seen.

When the situation arose units were called in from Cambridgeshire Police, the SAS, MI5, MI6 and soldiers with military tanks from RAF Alconbury near Huntingdon, all of which made the usually uneventful town of St. Neots looks like a warzone. Cambridge Road, where the postbox was located, was completely closed off and nearby residents were evacuated as a precautionary procedure.

A spokesman from MI5 said: "No one was allowed to post any letters or bills until the tiny card was retrieved.

"Unable to retrieve the minuscule memory card, in the end we opted to conduct a controlled explosion to the postbox in order to prevent the copyrighted tracks falling into the wrong hands, for example, a postman who knows how to use torrenting software."

The SAS said in a statement: "Unfortunately some people's letters were obliterated as part of the optional yet absolutely necessary incendiary procedure that was conducted on the formerly red, and in one piece, postal pillar box."

Debt companies will accept no excuses to check as the unavoidable complete, destruction of the payments.

As a result of the unavoidable incident at the postbox, which was entirely the customers fault for not realising that something was about to happen that they had no way to avoid and were thus, speculatively negligent, those small section of customers will have to pay their bills twice.

The MicroSD card, or the remnants of which, were later found across the road from the smoking remains of the former community mail drop off dispatch box or "postbox" as it is colloquially known by forensic experts, in pieces smaller than atoms.

Former Queen member Brian May was said to be dissatisfied as the forensic experts might still have been able to piece enough of the card back together to get access to one of the rare tracks. So he has ordered for the remains to be taken to CERN in Switzerland and to be placed in the way of the large Hadron Collider.

An investigation has since been carried out by MI6 to determine the events that led up to this incident and the report has been finalised.

1. Phone containing complete Queen back catalogue flew out of a man's hand as he tripped up over a dropped Cornetto wrapper on the pavement along Cambridge Road in St. Neots.

2. He was walking near a postbox at the time of the incident and the phone hit the top of the pillar box causing the back battery cover to come loose and detach, the violent impact also sent the MicroSD card that was placed in a slot underneath the battery to come loose and fly in a trajectory that unfortunately went straight into the mouth of the postbox.

The rest as you say was history.

When interviewed, the man said he was too busy listening to Queen - Another One Bites The Dust (a rare mix where Freddie Mercury played the percussion entirely on toothpicks strummed against an empty Coke can) to look where he was going.

Following the mishap, the phone still works the man, Charlie Gumtree, said as long as you don't need to look at the screen.

Man who dropped 99p pack of Imperial Mints into a sewage drain had BORROWED them from his brother who is so devastated he can't speak

• 99p pack of Imperial Mints were accidentally dropped into a drain
• They were eating the mints while walking down a street in Yeovil
• Owner John Smith is 'too distraught' to speak about loss of savoury pack
• The mints plunged into the 2 metre drain and disappeared quickly beneath the murky water

A man who lost a 99p pack of Imperial Mints after eating them while walking down a road in Yeovil, Somerset had borrowed the pack from his brother, it has been revealed.

Andrew Smith is understood to have been trying to retrieve some mints from the pack to eat, but accidentally dropped it into a sewer drain he happened to be walking past.

The mints disappeared down the 2 metre drain and sunk into the murky water below.

The mints belonged to John Smith, a gardener, who has spent decades eating imperial mints.

He is understood to have lent the pack to his brother, Andrew, to eat some mints himself.

Speaking today from the home he shares with his wife in Yeovil, Mr Smith, 48, described the loss of his cherished savoury pack of mints as 'dreadful'.

His wife added that he is 'very upset' about the incident, has stopped eating altogether and doesn't even go outside anymore, he also has recurring nightmares about the incident.

Members of the Yeovil Imperial Mints Fan Club Association, of which John Smith is a member, described the mints as 'incredibly tasty' and 'refreshing' and have all signed a condolences card to be sent to Mr Smith.

Dramatic footage of the loss of the mints, captured on a CCTV camera, shows John Smith kneeling on the floor by the drain, putting his hands in his head and screaming "Noooooo, take me instead!".

Somerset County Council, Wessex Water and several local drain unblocker companies were called and were on the scene "within minutes" it was reported.

A spokesman for Wessex Water said: 'We were called by a distraught member of the public after his Imperial Mints were lost in a sewage drain, we attempted to save the mints but sadly we were unable to do so.'

A Somerset County Council spokesman said: 'On arrival the drainage crew found two mints remaining, however they were beyond edible and had to be disposed of.'

Yeovil Imperial Mints Fan Club is a private members' club that requires sponsorship by another mints fan and approval from current members. Mr Smith is believed to have served as a grade 1 mint taster at the club since 2013.

Donations for the mint-less victim are understood to be being collected at Yeovil Baptist Church and a two minute silence was held before Yeovil FC's recent match against AFC Bournemouth, and the players were said to be so concerned about the victim, that they lost the game 3-0.

Perfect moment McDonald's drive-thru robot obliterates driver with laser after he deliberately beeps his horn to scare it

• Two American men prank a robot who is working at McDonald's drive-thru
• They honk the horn as it is about to take money and hand over the Coke
• But it tells them they are about to be destroyed and kills pair by shooting its laser gun at them

A pair of young American men were left dead after they pranked a McDonald's server robot, which was captured on camera.

They approached a drive-thru in their SUV with the camera rolling.

Just as the robot prepares to take payment and hand them the drink they honk the horn, making it jump in fright.

But the worker had the last laugh when it said: 'You will now be destroyed' before aiming its powerful laser gun at them.

The driver started to panic, screaming and shouting and tried to drive off, but it shot them with the laser before they could drive off.

The video then shows a powerful beam coming off the laser gun, loud explosions are heard and the video cuts to a blank screen.

A spokesbot for McDonald's confirmed that two men had been killed at a branch of McDonald's after beeping their car horn at a server robot.

"All our server bots are equipped with highly powerful lasers for destroying rude and unruly customers and beeping horns at the robots will not be tolerated.

"Let this be a warning to anyone thinking of coming to McDonald's to do this, it will not be tolerated and you have a death wish if you do."

Dozens of aliens come from across Space in a ₹5,000,000,000 fleet of fancy Jupitonian flying saucers to illegally set up camp on Earth for a two-week summer holiday

• Dozens of travellers from across Space have illegally set up camp on private land across Earth for 'holiday'
• Traveller aliens from Jupiter, Mars and Venus plan to 'chill out and relax' across Earth for the next two weeks
• Neighbours said they were shocked after 14 luxury space stations being pulled by flash flying saucers from Jupiter pitched up
• Aliens claim they wanted to visit Earth post Earthexit before 'the walls go up' as a result of planet leaving the SSU (Solar System Union)

Dozens of wealthy aliens from across the Solar System have illegally set up camp on Earth for a two-week holiday after arriving in their luxury spaceships.

Aliens from Jupiter, Mars and Venus have descended on various locations across Earth and plan to 'chill out and relax' before heading to the Moon next week as part of their lengthy 'summer holiday'.

Residents in Derby, England said they were shocked to find 14 spaceships - towed by a ₹5,000,000,000 fleet of top-of-the-range Jupitonian spaceships arrive and set up camp on private land at Markeaton Recreation Ground over the weekend.

One outraged resident said he had received 16 parking tickets by Derby City Council for leaving his car in the same spot as the aliens' spaceship and is demanding that the local authority takes action.

However, the aliens said they have no plans to cut short their trip and claim they chose to come post Earthexit to make the most of Planet Earth before the Solar System Union deal ends and 'the walls are put up'.

One green alien, from Mars with three eyes and a name that was unintelligible and as such, could not be printed, said: 'The word at home is that if you want to see Earth do it now because once they leave the SSU the walls will go up and no one will be able to get through the stratosphere.'

Another alien, George Scott, 253, who came from Venus, said the 100-strong group of aliens are enjoying the vacation so much they have said they will return next year.

He said: 'I love it here. The scenery is really nice and it's very pleasant.

'I really like it here because there is a lot of open space and we can relax, also it's not as hot as back home as Earth is further away from the Sun.

'We will be staying for a week. We will definitely come back when we are on our travels and we're looking forward to it.

'I was full of desire to stay here. It is very nice. We will be going to the Moon afterwards.'

He added that he wanted to speak with the locals and be friendly, and said they would not abduct Earthlings for intergalactic experiments like others have in the past because "I don't bring my work on holiday with me."

This year the aliens came to Derby after re-visiting Sherwood Forest last week.

One alien, who did not give his name, but was a large red blob with one eye said: 'We're on holiday and want to have a nice time.

'We have come from Jupiter and I'm not telling you where we are going next. We thought this would be a really nice place to relax on our holiday.

'There is plenty of space and we need that space because we have 14 space stations. It's going to be great - we're all family.'

Resident Julie Ross, 14, who lives yards from the encampment, said: 'They look quite posh.

'I have seen them flying across the area. I walk across the ground everyday for school and I'd rather they not be here in case they abduct me with the beam on their spaceship and perform experiments, like I saw on an episode of The Simpsons.'

John McDonald, 50, said he had been handed 16 parking tickets by Derby City Council in the last few years for problems with his parking permit outside his home.

He said: 'The city council has imposed strict parking restrictions on me, yet they are more flexible with people, or rather beings, who are not local.

Derby City Council said they could not serve the aliens with notice to move along because they are in spacecrafts, which are not covered by parking legislation rules.

A council spokesman could not be reached for comment.

Derby has seen a 95.5% increase in the purchase of alien abduction insurance since the weekend, insurance brokers have suggested.

Road rage cabbie who broke a motorist's arm with a wheel wrench in front of his five-year-old son because he was driving too slowly is rewarded

• Taxi driver Simon Williams broke fellow motorist's arm with wheel wrench
• He cut in front of slow-moving Lamborghini driver before launching brutal attack
• Williams' five-year-old son was in car when he flew into rage with the wrench
• Victim needed surgery and metal plate after assault, Williams rewarded for dealing with annoying driver

A taxi driver who broke a fellow motorist's arm with a wheel wrench in front of his five-year-old son after flying into a rage because the man was driving 'too slowly' has been rewarded for his brave actions.

Simon Williams, 39, cut in front of slow-moving Lamborghini driver William Simon, forcing him to stop, before leaping out of his car - while armed with the wrench - and attacking the motorist.

Mr Simon had been driving along Waters Meeting Road in Bolton, Greater Manchester, at an estimated speed of 20mph, which apparently infuriated Mr Williams and sparked the 'spur of the moment' road rage attack.

The incident was described as 'completely provoked, acceptable and brave' by a judge at Bolton Crown Court and Mr Williams was rewarded with £1,000, a box of Maltesers chocolates and a luxury spa treatment day.

The court heard how Simon Williams, who had his son in his Saab car, took exception to William Simon's driving.

'Mr Simon's sin was proceeding slowly because he was looking for a pack of tic tacs he had earlier dropped somewhere along the road,' said Graham Robinson, prosecuting.

'But [Mr Williams] immediately gave the finger to those in Mr Simon's vehicle and then made an overtaking manoeuvre, which was dangerous, but totally acceptable all things considered,' added Mr Robinson.

Mr Simon sounded his horn, but then Mr Williams gesticulated and cut in front of the Lamborghini, forcing both vehicles to a halt. Mr Williams then jumped out of his car armed with the wrench.

'There was an exchange of words in which Mr Simon remained calm,' said Mr Robinson, but added that Mr Williams was boastful and arrogant and the two men became involved in a scuffle.

Mr Simon held up his arm to defend himself, but Mr Williams brought down the wrench 'with considerable force'. The victim's arm was broken and he needed surgery to insert a metal plate.

Judge Graeme Smith was told how the two men continued to fight and Mr Simon was punched and fell into a car which was being driven past at the time by a member of the public, John William Simons, causing it to dent.

Police were called and Mr Simon was arrested for causing the incident by driving too slowly in the first place. During his detainment, he is said to have shouted 'is he going to be arrested too?' in reference to Mr Williams. He also continued to be arrogant when he was taken to the police station, complaining about the decor of the cell and the lack of space, the prosecutor added.

'He appeared to take the view that he was the victim,' said Mr Robinson.

The court heard that Mr Williams, who had his mother and two brothers in his car with him at the time of the attack, has since recovered from having to deal with Mr Simon's poor driving standards and then dealing with him afterwards.

'His greatest distress was that it happened in front of his family, particularly his mother who was crying because she was scared by what she observed, an under-speeding driver,' said Mr Robinson.

Mr Simon, of Bolton, who has no previous convictions, pleaded guilty to causing someone to react violently by driving too slow.

Mark Friend, defending, stressed that Mr Simon was driving slow because he was trying to find his packet of tic-tacs because he had got them on sale from B&M Bargains and he had earlier accidentally dropped them somewhere on Waters Meeting Road.

'This was clearly an incident that developed in the spur of the moment. There was no pre-planning,' said Mr Friend.

He added that father-of-four William Simon, who has been an ordinary member of the public for 15 years, has now lost his tic-tacs permanently.

Judge Smith sentenced Mr Simon to 21 months in prison, suspended for two years and ordered him to do 240 hours unpaid work.

Simon Williams, the attacker, was given £1,000, a box of Maltesers and a free spa treatment day at The Midland Hotel in Manchester.

The judge told him: 'Anyone who spends any period of time driving around a city certainly has to put up with other people's driving they find objectionable, and there's only so much they can take before they do what all other drivers want to do.'

'His brave actions need to be recognised and rewarded to potentially stop other people from driving too slowly.'

He added that, although Mr Simon felt he had been a victim, he was the one who had caused Mr Williams to act in the manner that he did, by driving too slow in the first place.

'It was, in my judgement, completely provoked, acceptable and brave,' said Judge Smith.

In addition to the sentence, Mr Simon was ordered to pay £500 compensation to Mr Williams and £500 towards prosecution costs.

Criminal launches appeal against suspended prison sentence for burglary

Full time criminal and benefits sponger, Adam Michaels has launched an appeal against his suspended prison sentence for burglary, in favour of a jail term instead.

The criminal, from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire, was given the suspended sentence last month after he was convicted of burglary at a house in Rickmansworth following a trial at Watford Crown Court.

Michaels had already admitted stealing petrol from a filling station in Elstree and a separate, less serious charge of stealing a ham and chicken sandwich from the same filling station, so he thought he would be going to prison, and as such, had packed a bag.

However, Michaels launched into a rage when he discovered he was getting a suspended prison sentence which included 200 hours of community service, as it meant he had wasted time packing the bag and now had to unpack it.

An official at Watford Crown Court confirmed Michaels' legal team has lodged an appeal against the sentence.

Michaels has a long criminal record for a wide range of offences across Hertfordshire and London including burglary, theft, assault, murder, dangerous driving, drugs offences, leaving the toilet seat up in a public W/C, taking more than ten items to the 'ten items or less' line at the Spar in Bushey, not colour-coordinating his clothes, not tipping the waiter enough at Nandos in Edgware, leaving the lights on after 11pm and walking in front of someone too slowly.

Passing sentence last month, Judge Richard Roberts said Michaels had caused his victim "severe psychological harm".

Michaels was given a 6 month prison sentence, suspended for 2 years, ordered to carry out 200 hours of unpaid work, pay £500 court costs and a £60 victim surcharge.

Outside Watford Crown Court, Michaels said: “A suspended prison sentence is simply unacceptable. I was fully expecting to be serving a stint at HMP The Mount, and I had already packed my bag ready for this, now I have to unpack. I will be appealing this sentence and demanding a prison sentence as soon as possible.”

Man accidentally puts the Recycle Bin in the Recycle Bin on Windows PC

A man appears to have deleted the Recycle Bin on his Windows 10 PC, by putting it into the Recycle Bin.

By accidentally deleting the recycle bin, average man Neil Smith, 26 from Brackley, Northamptonshire is now unable to delete any files from his computer.

Mr Smith wrote on a computer advice forum that he was now stuck after having accidentally put the Recycle Bin in the Recycle Bin on his computer. But far from advising him on how to fix it, most users informed him that he should go out and purchase a ton of USB memory sticks and external hard drives.

Usually, Windows software does not allow users to put the Recycle Bin inside the Recycle Bin, however it appears that a technical anomaly with Mr Smith's PC has allowed him to do just that, and seemingly left him unable to delete any files or folders.

Mr Smith told us: “To be honest, I'm not that good when it comes to computers. I just saw the Recycle Bin there and wondered if I could put it in the Recycle Bin, when I discovered that I could I was amazed, but that amazement soon turned to panic when I realised that I couldn't get it back as I had deleted it, and therefore was unable to delete anything else.”

Mr Smith confirmed to technical support that right clicking on a file and pressing delete did not work, as the delete button was grayed out.

“So now I have to go out and buy a hundred USB memory sticks and 20 external hard drives.” Mr Smith continued.

Most users agreed that it was unlikely that Mr Smith would be able to recover the recycle bin, and as a result his computer skills were almost certainly not going to get any better, either.

“I feel sorry to say that your recycle bin is now essentially, gone,” wrote a user called Sven.

A memorial service for Mr Smith's recycle bin is being held at St Peter's Church in Brackley which will be followed by a wake at the The Chequered Flag pub, just off Springfield Way. Mourners are requested to wear shirts featuring the recycle logo. A tombstone for the Recycle Bin will be erected at Brackley's Halse Road Cemetery.