UFO over Phoenix, Arizona identified as a plastic carrier bag

There were multiple reports of a UFO sighting in the sky over Arizona on Tuesday night.

Locals in Gilbert, southeast of Phoenix, claimed to see something white with two handles with "Walmart" written on it moving north to south in the East Valley area, before flying directly northwards towards Mesa. There was also another spotting on the other side of the valley in Sun City, near Glendale, however this was believed to be from Target.

One resident, named Todd, excitedly posted footage of the unusual sight onto Twitter, writing: 'Did anybody else just see a UFSB!?' (Unidentified Flying Shopping Bag)

He then quickly followed up his post with: "Oh, it's got the Walmart logo on it, nevermind!"

In the video, an object with a body and two handles can be seen crawling upwards in a sequence-like pattern.

The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office said it was dispatched to check that the shopping carriers were American and not illegal shopping bags that had blown in from a Mexican supermarket, south of the border.

Additionally, Glendale Walmart and Sun City Target did not return calls for comment.

Porn viewers affected by nationwide fault with online payment system for pornography sites

A fault with a pornography provider's card payment system left scores of customers across the UK queuing for extended lengths of time to pay for their 18+ content.

Porn customers across the UK were not able to pay with the online card system, or PayPal on Sunday October 30.

The failure hit customers from Kent to Kilmarnock, Prescot to Preston and Macclesfield to Melton Mowbray.

Unconfirmed reports noted customers in the Republic of Ireland may also have been struck by the technical fault including customers from Dublin, Cork and Waterford.

Various UK-based porn websites confirmed that at around 12.45pm they had temporarily switched off access in order to rectify the system issue.

This meant customers were unable to carry out their Sunday afternoon masturbation session and left many bulges in trousers across the nation.

Regular porn viewers have told of their experience.

A man who asked not to be named, but is a P. Skinner from Bootle, said: "I was so desperate I inadvertently went out and bought a carrier pigeon, and sent it with the payment in cash to the porn site's head office in London."

Two customers described visiting the website.

Michael Westbury from Hull said: "I was trying to access my favourite porn site, but all I got was an Error 404 message. Absolutely crazy!"

John Taylor from Ramsgate said that he had to resort to watching free porn sites, but that it "just wasn't as good" as his regular, paid content.

A spokesperson from the porn site said: “We are in the process of resolving a technical issue with our card payment system on site.

"We're continuing to process payments as quickly as we can but apologise to our customers for the inconvenience this has caused.”

"As a gesture of goodwill, we will be giving all our users one month free access as well as a meet and greet with the pornstars."

The Political Corner: Obama goes on warpath after negative White House review on TripAdvisor

Just as he prepares to step down for his successor in a couple of months, President Obama is said to be fuming with outrage that a visiting dignitary from North Korea who visited and stayed inside his official resident, The White House, has seemingly left a bad review on the TripAdvisor website.

A man with the username “pyongyangoffcial1kimjongunisourgreatestoverlord1lol” left a scathing report on the tourism review site TripAdvisor, panning everything from the President’s choice of curtains, his choice of carpets, the colour of his kettle to the state of the bathroom, which according to the man’s review had a single human hair in it by the taps, which were gold according to the review and the shower had silk curtains.

President Obama’s reaction on being informed about the review was said to have made him utter words that according to a chief U.S. dignatory “should never enter the consciousness of the American public” as he heard expletives that he didn’t even know existed.

Obama has also been said to have knocked the Oval office coffee table out of shape by pummeling it with his bare fists, smacked a portrait of Abraham Lincoln off the wall in one of the hallways and spilled some of his coffee onto the top part of his knee as examples of some of his behaviour that followed when he was informed about the bad review.

After he calmed down following the outburst of anger which lasted precisely 31 seconds, he took steps to remove all future internet access from the internal White House Wi-Fi for official guests. If a guest in the future tries to access Google, or TripAdvisor for that matter, they will instead be redirected to a video of cute kittens playing with each other and there will be a place to leave suggestions on an internal site only.

If a guest then tries to access the internet on a mobile device instead, that will become a matter for the CIA who will confiscate any such device and hold it indefinitely by completely wiping it and then selling it second hand on eBay.

Obama was said to remark: “Things are getting so strict inside this White House that everyone‘s even going to have to breathe in a certain way.”

He also threatened vengeance on North Korea which he said would take a “nuclear form” but the threat was very quickly retracted by the White House because of the slight possibility that a nuclear holocaust might result in reaction by North Korea, so instead President Obama has resolved to create an account on TripAdvisor and reply respectfully.

Obama also claims that watching episodes of “Looney Tunes” calms him down. In an official statement, Obama said: “Whenever something goes wrong in the Middle East, I go and watch some of Bugs Bunny’s crazy antics for half an hour and then usually I have the presence of mind to come up with a solution."

Donald Trump on hearing about the story claimed that he wouldn’t leave Pyongyang as anything more than a smoking hole in the ground in response and that the reviewer must have been a Muslim. 

The Review

*/*****

"The mighty DPRK visits the US, for first time in half century, and we be most accommodated for five minutes, and then nothing but misery.

"Yes, I no like stay in White House, sense of style, you must be laugh, we have far more, how do you say, decorum in Pyongyang isn’t it lol. The curtains are just draped, just all down you, when you try to do what you’ve got to do, silk is very beautiful, I like! But I have allergic reaction,

"I try to take shower, remove the bits of skin caused by Obama curtain, it no come off, when I try to reach bathroom quick, I have to wait and then escort by many guards, then the carpet itch my feet, it has an ugly colour, like something that I last saw drop from dog bottom.

"When I am itch, I laugh and be disgusted at the same time at the sight of this, they offer me tea to calm me, the kettle is too bluey-purple for me, I get colorblinded, we have a nice tasteful red in our president palace of Kim Jong-un grand overlord, much be respect to you sir.

"This white house, I can no recommend, visit if you have to, if you can not stand it, only have diplomatic relations with more tasteful country. I’m out. P.S White House, I have your towels haha!"

Obama's Response

PresidentObama has responded to this review

“I have never been so insulted, so enraged and so disappointed by the conduct of you and many of your personal entourage on your state visit to the White House last week.

"However, for the sake of relations between us in the United States of America and the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, particularly given the ever increasing size of your nuclear arsenal, both you and I know that you’ve got enough nuclear based weaponry to make Chernobyl look like a firework, I think we should draw a line under what happened and let bygones be bygones.

"I will admit that we did not show enough sympathy in an official capacity for your sudden dramatic skin rash and for that I am truly sorry on behalf of me, and every one at a senior level at the White House and in the U.S. government.

"We should have called that ambulance as you requested and it would not have been a complete waste of time as I suggested in an outburst of anger that I am very sorry for now!

"As I know Kim Jong-un (our supreme overlord, I bow) is hovering nearer and nearer the red button every day, I shall do my utmost to avoid offending him and anyone closely associated with your great country ever again. I will even order a recall of “The Interview”, consider that my most personal apology and compensation.

For when you next visit. I have personally ordered one room to be decorated in Pyongyang style with a colour scheme, furnishings, carpet and fittings that are in complete homage to the great Kim Jong-un.

"P.S your country is nuts! JOKE! JOKE! Just in case you get all offended again, take life a bit less seriously like I do the tax laws and obamacare, so we all learn to get by! 

"President Barack Obama"

Science News: Nuclear refuse to be dumped on moon

It has been announced that NASA has entered into partnership with Cumbria County Council Waste Management Services and British Nuclear Fuels Limited in a new project which will take the UK’s unwanted nuclear waste material from the Sellafield Nuclear Power Plant and simply dump it on the moon.

A spokesman from NASA has caused controversy by claiming it will make the moon “more exciting” because the nuclear material left stranded on its rocky surface “will quite literally glow in the dark and turn the colour of the moon at night from white, to one which will resemble the Emerald City from the Wizard Of Oz”.

When asked about any personnel that might be on board, NASA confirmed that not only will it not be a manned mission, but it will also not be safe for any human to visit the moon’s surface ever again as it will be a bit contaminated.

It has been announced that there will be an exclusion zone in place, which will happen to be the entire Moon.

Controlled explosion carried out at postbox in Cambridgeshire after highly secret microSD card accidentally posted

A MicroSD card featuring the complete back catalogue of Queen has been accidentally dropped into a random postbox in St. Neots, Cambridgeshire.

The card contained content that is protected by the Official Secrets Act that we are not allowed to reveal, but will anyway. Content included rare studio mixes and precious outtake, and for some reason, images of Freddie Mercury sitting in a variety of positions on the toilet, which included a rare golden toilet seat that nobody outside Garden Lodge in Kensington has ever seen.

When the situation arose units were called in from Cambridgeshire Police, the SAS, MI5, MI6 and soldiers with military tanks from RAF Alconbury near Huntingdon, all of which made the usually uneventful town of St. Neots looks like a warzone. Cambridge Road, where the postbox was located, was completely closed off and nearby residents were evacuated as a precautionary procedure.

A spokesman from MI5 said: "No one was allowed to post any letters or bills until the tiny card was retrieved.

"Unable to retrieve the minuscule memory card, in the end we opted to conduct a controlled explosion to the postbox in order to prevent the copyrighted tracks falling into the wrong hands, for example, a postman who knows how to use torrenting software."

The SAS said in a statement: "Unfortunately some people's letters were obliterated as part of the optional yet absolutely necessary incendiary procedure that was conducted on the formerly red, and in one piece, postal pillar box."

Debt companies will accept no excuses to check as the unavoidable complete, destruction of the payments.

As a result of the unavoidable incident at the postbox, which was entirely the customers fault for not realising that something was about to happen that they had no way to avoid and were thus, speculatively negligent, those small section of customers will have to pay their bills twice.

The MicroSD card, or the remnants of which, were later found across the road from the smoking remains of the former community mail drop off dispatch box or "postbox" as it is colloquially known by forensic experts, in pieces smaller than atoms.

Former Queen member Brian May was said to be dissatisfied as the forensic experts might still have been able to piece enough of the card back together to get access to one of the rare tracks. So he has ordered for the remains to be taken to CERN in Switzerland and to be placed in the way of the large Hadron Collider.

An investigation has since been carried out by MI6 to determine the events that led up to this incident and the report has been finalised.

1. Phone containing complete Queen back catalogue flew out of a man's hand as he tripped up over a dropped Cornetto wrapper on the pavement along Cambridge Road in St. Neots.

2. He was walking near a postbox at the time of the incident and the phone hit the top of the pillar box causing the back battery cover to come loose and detach, the violent impact also sent the MicroSD card that was placed in a slot underneath the battery to come loose and fly in a trajectory that unfortunately went straight into the mouth of the postbox.

The rest as you say was history.

When interviewed, the man said he was too busy listening to Queen - Another One Bites The Dust (a rare mix where Freddie Mercury played the percussion entirely on toothpicks strummed against an empty Coke can) to look where he was going.

Following the mishap, the phone still works the man, Charlie Gumtree, said as long as you don't need to look at the screen.

Man who dropped 99p pack of Imperial Mints into a sewage drain had BORROWED them from his brother who is so devastated he can't speak

• 99p pack of Imperial Mints were accidentally dropped into a drain
• They were eating the mints while walking down a street in Yeovil
• Owner John Smith is 'too distraught' to speak about loss of savoury pack
• The mints plunged into the 2 metre drain and disappeared quickly beneath the murky water

A man who lost a 99p pack of Imperial Mints after eating them while walking down a road in Yeovil, Somerset had borrowed the pack from his brother, it has been revealed.

Andrew Smith is understood to have been trying to retrieve some mints from the pack to eat, but accidentally dropped it into a sewer drain he happened to be walking past.

The mints disappeared down the 2 metre drain and sunk into the murky water below.

The mints belonged to John Smith, a gardener, who has spent decades eating imperial mints.

He is understood to have lent the pack to his brother, Andrew, to eat some mints himself.

Speaking today from the home he shares with his wife in Yeovil, Mr Smith, 48, described the loss of his cherished savoury pack of mints as 'dreadful'.

His wife added that he is 'very upset' about the incident, has stopped eating altogether and doesn't even go outside anymore, he also has recurring nightmares about the incident.

Members of the Yeovil Imperial Mints Fan Club Association, of which John Smith is a member, described the mints as 'incredibly tasty' and 'refreshing' and have all signed a condolences card to be sent to Mr Smith.

Dramatic footage of the loss of the mints, captured on a CCTV camera, shows John Smith kneeling on the floor by the drain, putting his hands in his head and screaming "Noooooo, take me instead!".

Somerset County Council, Wessex Water and several local drain unblocker companies were called and were on the scene "within minutes" it was reported.

A spokesman for Wessex Water said: 'We were called by a distraught member of the public after his Imperial Mints were lost in a sewage drain, we attempted to save the mints but sadly we were unable to do so.'

A Somerset County Council spokesman said: 'On arrival the drainage crew found two mints remaining, however they were beyond edible and had to be disposed of.'

Yeovil Imperial Mints Fan Club is a private members' club that requires sponsorship by another mints fan and approval from current members. Mr Smith is believed to have served as a grade 1 mint taster at the club since 2013.

Donations for the mint-less victim are understood to be being collected at Yeovil Baptist Church and a two minute silence was held before Yeovil FC's recent match against AFC Bournemouth, and the players were said to be so concerned about the victim, that they lost the game 3-0.

Perfect moment McDonald's drive-thru robot obliterates driver with laser after he deliberately beeps his horn to scare it

• Two American men prank a robot who is working at McDonald's drive-thru
• They honk the horn as it is about to take money and hand over the Coke
• But it tells them they are about to be destroyed and kills pair by shooting its laser gun at them

A pair of young American men were left dead after they pranked a McDonald's server robot, which was captured on camera.

They approached a drive-thru in their SUV with the camera rolling.

Just as the robot prepares to take payment and hand them the drink they honk the horn, making it jump in fright.

But the worker had the last laugh when it said: 'You will now be destroyed' before aiming its powerful laser gun at them.

The driver started to panic, screaming and shouting and tried to drive off, but it shot them with the laser before they could drive off.

The video then shows a powerful beam coming off the laser gun, loud explosions are heard and the video cuts to a blank screen.

A spokesbot for McDonald's confirmed that two men had been killed at a branch of McDonald's after beeping their car horn at a server robot.

"All our server bots are equipped with highly powerful lasers for destroying rude and unruly customers and beeping horns at the robots will not be tolerated.

"Let this be a warning to anyone thinking of coming to McDonald's to do this, it will not be tolerated and you have a death wish if you do."