Thousands of Russians Cross Border into North Korea to Avoid Draft, Pyongyang Officials “Confused but Pleased”

In an unprecedented reversal of migration patterns, thousands of Russian men have reportedly crossed into North Korea in recent weeks to avoid being called up to fight in the war in Ukraine.

According to sources in the region, the crossings have taken place at multiple points along the Russia–North Korea border, with would-be conscripts using anything from official checkpoints to inflatable flamingo pool floats to make the journey.

THE MIGRATION

Traditionally, North Koreans have attempted to flee out of the country into neighbouring states, citing reasons such as famine, oppression, and wanting to watch The Simpsons without a 20-year prison sentence.

However, the latest influx has stunned Pyongyang officials, who have never previously experienced voluntary immigration.

“Usually, if someone knocks on our border gate, it’s to leave,” one bemused North Korean border guard reportedly told state media. “We had to look up the procedure for letting people in. The manual was covered in dust and dated 1953.”

REASONS FOR THE EXODUS

Many of the new arrivals say they chose North Korea because it is “the only place on Earth where Putin can’t send a draft letter.”

One man, who gave his name only as Viktor, explained:

“My options were prison in Russia or… well, a prison that covers an entire country. But at least here I won’t be shipped to the front. Unless Kim Jong Un starts a war with Canada, in which case I’m screwed.”

Another migrant said he was “looking forward to the free haircuts” and “state-approved music playlists” but admitted he was “still getting used to the smell of mandatory cabbage fermentation.”

AEROFLOT’S UNEXPECTED BOOM

The unusual migration surge has triggered an equally unusual economic uptick — in flights to Vladivostok, the closest major Russian city to the North Korean border.

Aeroflot reported a 700% increase in one-way ticket sales to Vladivostok in the past month, prompting a sharp rise in the airline’s share price.

Chief Executive Sergei Chugunov told investors:

“We are proud to facilitate the… relocation… of patriotic citizens seeking a change of scenery. Demand has been so high that our shareholders are now drinking two glasses of champagne at the AGM instead of one.”

Insiders say Aeroflot is considering renaming its Moscow–Vladivostok route the “Freedom Express,” though the Kremlin has quietly requested they “pick literally any other name.”

PYONGYANG’S RESPONSE

The North Korean government has issued an official statement welcoming the arrivals as “heroes of peace who have chosen to live under the loving care of the Supreme Leader.”

Officials say they are developing a “Special Russian Friendship Zone” in a disused munitions factory outside Chongjin, where migrants will be given “meaningful employment” such as painting murals of Kim Jong Un or testing the country’s latest anti-bird missile systems.

POTENTIAL ISSUES

Despite the propaganda fanfare, some challenges have emerged. Reports suggest that several Russians have already attempted to tunnel back into Russia, citing “a desperate craving for McDonald’s” and “slightly less censorship.”

International observers are baffled by the reversal, with one UN analyst remarking:

“Historically, people only moved to North Korea accidentally — usually after a very wrong turn while hiking. To see voluntary mass immigration is… let’s just say it’s new territory.”

LOOKING AHEAD

Kim Jong Un has reportedly offered the new arrivals honorary citizenship, promising them the “full benefits” of life in North Korea, including:

• Three radio stations (all playing the same song)

• The annual chance to see him through binoculars from 200 metres away

• The ability to own one (1) chicken per household “if loyalty is proven”

Viktor, for his part, remains optimistic.

“I know people dream of leaving North Korea, but I see this as a fresh start. Besides, once you’re here… how much worse can it get?”

The border guard who admitted the first group said he still wasn’t sure whether to stamp their passports or just keep them “as curiosities.”

North Korea - Russia Border

Sunday League Goalkeeper Apologises for Letting in Four Goals After Being Distracted by Ice Cream Van

A Sunday league footballer has issued a “full and heartfelt” apology to his teammates after letting the team down by conceding four goals in the second half, admitting he was distracted by an ice cream van pulling into the car park.

Gary “Safe Hands” McDonald, 34, of The Dog & Duck FC, said he “lost all concentration” during the match against rival pub side The Kings Arms after hearing the distinctive chimes of “Greensleeves” from behind the goal.

“I’d been thinking about a 99 Flake since the warm-up,” McDonald told The Gazette.

“When I heard that tune, my head was gone. Before I knew it, they’d scored twice and I was halfway through ordering a Screwball.”

Team captain Steve Pringle said the incident had left morale “at an all-time low”.

“We were 1–0 up at half time and looking solid. Then Gary vanished from the six-yard box and reappeared licking a Twister. The ref didn’t know what to do.”

Manager Derek “Del” Baines confirmed McDonald would “remain part of the squad” but would be fined one match fee and banned from all frozen desserts until the end of the season.

“We can’t have this happening again,” Baines said.

“If an ice cream van pulls up during a cup final, we’re finished.”

McDonald concluded his apology by promising fans “it won’t happen again” and that he will “stick to a Capri-Sun at half time like everyone else”.

The Dog & Duck went on to lose 5–2.

Seagulls Threaten Nationwide Strike Over “Inadequate Chip Portions”

Britain’s seagulls are set to take industrial action next month over what they describe as “insufficient chip allocation” from seaside visitors, the British Union of Gulls (BUG) has announced.

The strike — the first in avian history — is scheduled to begin on the first weekend of the school summer holidays, and is expected to cause “significant disruption” to traditional beach activities.

A BUG spokesperson, Gulliver Peck, said:

“We have tolerated shrinking portion sizes for years. Once, a gull could feed a family on a single dropped cod and chips. Now we’re fighting over two soggy fries and half a sausage.”

According to BUG, inflation, rising fish prices, and the “double whammy” of seafront chip shops replacing paper cones with closed cardboard boxes have all contributed to the dispute.

The Department for Coastal Affairs has urged both sides to “remain calm” and to avoid “violent swooping” during negotiations. However, tensions remain high, with reports of militant seagulls in Scarborough already refusing to snatch sandwiches until “a fairer sharing arrangement” is agreed.

The strike could also impact inland cities, with urban gulls threatening to target Greggs customers in retaliation for what they call “historic pastry injustices”.

Peck warned:

“If our demands aren’t met, this summer will see empty skies over Britain’s beaches… and dangerously full bins.”

 

Christmas Ghosts set to strike in row over pay and expenses

The three Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, as well as Jacob Marley, are set to take industrial action this Christmas in a row over pay and employee expenses, the Fright union has said.

The strike could cause some disruption during what could be the busiest Christmas period since the pandemic.

The ghosts are well known for visiting selfish people at Christmas in an attempt to get them to change their ways.

They will strike entirely on December 24th and 25th unless the Government meets the demands of the Fright union which represents the ghosts.

The impact of the action is uncertain, although Fright said more selfish and un-reformed people in 2024 was a 'strong possibility'.

The three ghosts gained fame in the 1840s when they were successful in reforming London based moneylender Ebeneezer Scrooge into a kind and thoughtful man, from his previous character of being selfish, self-centered and greedy.

A spokesghost at Fright said in a statement:

"We find it entirely unacceptable the way this government is treating our members.

"Our ghosts are out working the nightshift on Christmas and they need to receive a fair pay for this. Not only that, but they need expenses covering also.

"One of our employees, Jacob Marley, wears a large chain which he carries around in the afterlife as a symbol of how chained he was to his work when he was alive. It was starting to get rusty and he's had to go out and buy a new one. The Government have refused to allow him to claim this on expenses.

"It's a similar situation with Ghost of Christmas Future who accidentally damaged his robe after having one too many Peach Schnapps at the office Christmas party last year. He had to foot the bill for a new robe himself.

"These working practices are simply unacceptable and unless the Government comes up with a better solution at the negotiating table, these strikes will be going ahead."

The Government's Department for Poltergeist Affairs has so far refused to detail what offer could be on the table at the next round of negotiations.

Sky Cinema and AXN to launch new TV channels

Sky Cinema is launching two extra screens dedicated to celluloid violence: Sky Cinema Violence and Sky Cinema Extreme Violence. If successful Sky Cinema Language and Sky Cinema Language HD will also join the movie package.

Instead of violence being edited out, more violence will be added to special versions of films for the new channels.

Simon Turley, Sky Spokesman said: "We are launching the channel with a theme night in which we only show films in which everyone in them ends up dead. The channel is due to launch on August 11 on the anniversary of the London riots. There will also be a +1 channel because everybody, whether they admit it or not, likes to see violence over and over again.

"The new screen dedicated exclusively to the bad language of the big screen will also offer a theme night on its launch, showing films with at least one utterance of the "see you next Tuesday" flavoured expletive, which I'm not officially allowed to say on this statement."

Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels fits both channels perfectly and will be extensively shown. Footage from violent video games will also be shown in morning slots when no 18 certificate can legally be shown. A complete tour of Afghanistan as played in a Call Of Duty game by a hardcore gamer will feature in the schedule of he first week.

Irvine Welsh the author of Trainspotting has said to have been booked to introduce some of the films. A commotion was caused when he accidentally walked into the Sky News studio and started introducing the "f'**king weather", as a result OFCOM has fined for a TV station for the first ever time for a non compliant weather forecast.

Meanwhile, in Europe, Sony-owned broadcaster AXN is set to release new coloured channels to join their portfolio. Currently, in addition to the main AXN channel, AXN White and AXN Black is available to customers in a number of countries including Poland, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria and the Czech Republic.

Sony have stated that the following channels will be added to the AXN line-up:

AXN Yellow - Showing Chinese films

AXN Green - Showing films from other plants across the galaxy

AXN Blue - Showing films from underwater

AXN Grey - Showing old Hollywood films nobody wants to watch anymore

AXN Purple - Barney 24 hours a day

AXN Multicoloured - Stoned TV

Man successfully sues friends for 'unpaid rent' after Monopoly game

A man has successfully sued his friends for 'unpaid rent' following what started of as a friendly game of Monopoly.

John Matthews, 30, held a games night at his house in Burton-upon-Trent, Staffordshire back in December and invited four of his friends over. One of the games played was the Derby version of Monopoly.

It is alleged that Mr Matthews' obtained a number of properties on the game and built apartment complexes using the red and green board pieces that come with the game.

Matthews complained that when his friends landed on his properties, they refused to pay him any rent in Monopoly money, which the victim says was "out of spite", despite some of the properties he owned being located right next to the "Collect M200 Million As You Pass Go" square, and so they could "clearly afford the rent."

Mr Matthews said in a written statement: "It started out as a friendly game of our local monopoly, but unfortunately things turned dark when my so called 'friends' refused to pay the rent they owed me. There's absolutely no excuse for it. They are cheaters and I'll be damned if I ever play Monopoly with them again."

Mr Matthews took all four of his ex-friends to Burton-upon-Trent County Court, where he won his case and they were ordered to pay him costs and compensation, apologise and to read the rules on Monopoly in full. As a result, they are now reportedly in 'financial dire straits' and one has had to downgrade accommodation to a cardboard box near Burton train station.

This is due to the Board Games Act 2017, which states anyone playing Monopoly enters into a legally binding contract, and therefore must pay rent when it is owed. This is the first reported case of this kind in the country.

One of Mr Matthew's friend's, Dan Smith, defended his actions, saying he didn't know he had to pay rent as "John had been in jail."

He told us: "John picked up a chance card and was thrown in jail for unpaid taxes. I thought if he was in jail, we didn't need to pay rent on the properties he owned. He's coming after us for unpaid rent, but he clearly doesn't pay his own bills, otherwise he wouldn't have ended up in jail. He needs to look at his own morals before attacking others."

According to another one of Mr Matthew's friend's, the game ended when he failed to roll a double six to get out of jail, he immediately saw red and ended up throwing the game board off the kitchen table in extreme anger, with red and green board pieces, chance cards and community chest cards going across the floor, before he stormed off, claiming the game was "stupid anyway".

Matthews later concluded by stating that they would be sticking to non-board games in the future, including Twister and Pass The Parcel. However, he may be playing on his own, as he allegedly no longer has friends and people in the Burton-upon-Trent area regularly cross to the other side of the road when they see him approaching.

Mr Matthew's former friends will be featured on the next series of Channel 5's 'Can't Pay, We'll Take It Away'.

Monopoly Derby Edition

Lynx create new anti-deodorant to increase foul odour

Lynx have created a new anti-deodorant that means people will always, constantly smell of B.O, all day, everyday.

Traditional sprays or roll-ons aim to either mask pongs or block the pores to stop sweaty armpits.

But a new formula has been designed that encourages chemicals in sweat to turn into bad smells.

It was developed by Lynx at their UK headquarters in Leatherhead, Surrey and will be trialed across Europe for the next two years before being made globally available by 2020.

The anti-deodorant can be used immediately after a shower to bring back the musky, sickly B.O. smell which clean hygiene would usually otherwise remove. The target audience is those who wish to be clean, yet also incredibly sticky, which is 95% of the UK population according to market research.

Various flavours of the new product will be available on the shelves including Lynx Hobo, Lynx Musky, Lynx Silage and many other flavours not yet announced. According to an insider at Lynx there will be different flavours to simulate mud, silage, stagnant B.O., dirty oil from the garage and that smell after you've just had sex.

Jason Speakman, CEO of Lynx UK, said: “We are very excited here at Lynx to be adding a variety of new flavours to our portfolio to achieve maximum customer satisfaction.

"We have carried out extensive market research across the country to find out what our customers want and we are happy to be providing the products that the public are demanding.

"We are aiming for our new anti-deodorant products to hit the shelves globally by 2020."

Funny News attempted to contact Dove and Gillette for their views on the new Lynx product, but they could not be reached for comment. Industry analysts believe they may be attempting to rival Lynx with a new anti-deodorant of their own, which is said to be based on human excrement. However no official word has been given on this yet.

Promotional poster for the new Lynx Silage anti-deodorant
Coming soon to a bus stop billboard near you