Cuddly toys and pets must be declared on 2021 UK Census

Householders across the UK have been dismayed to find out that they must now declare any teddy bears, stuffed animals or dolls they have lying about their houses, as well as pets like cats, dogs or even spiders when filling in the census form.

The Census Director Officer, Sam Barry, wants to find out how much of a problem most houses actually have with spiders by getting people to count them rather than getting scared by them, if a house is found to have too many spiders the arachnids can be deported to countries with bigger populations of spiders and often ones which are actually poisonous, such as Australia or Brazil.

When quizzed about the requirement to declare teddy bears, in a press conference, Mr Barry said: "We are looking to find how much of a trend it is to replace boyfriends and girlfriends or even pets with cuddly toys, a growing trend among many adults in the UK."

The census forms will start going out in the next week, and anyone who declines to take part will automatically lose the right to live in Britain since they haven't declared themselves.

Furthermore, new penalties have been released to get tough on those who give inaccurate information, as a result Mr Barry told the press conference that anyone who fails to give the correct number of spiders living in their home, and they could face prosecution and a £250,000 fine.

Homeowners will be required to state how many cuddly toys are living in the home, their names and what TV programme or movie they are from.

Teenager threatened to burn Santa Claus' house down and knife his elves because he got him the wrong kind of trainers for Christmas

An 18-year-old British teenager threatened to burn down Santa Claus' home and knife his elves after he gave him the wrong kind of trainers for Christmas.

Jake Wilder travelled to the North Pole armed with a kitchen knife, screaming at Santa 'I'll jab you!' in front of his terrified reindeers' after opening his present from under the tree.

When the teenager said he was going to burn down the house in the North Pole, Santa Claus called the North Pole Police Department, a court heard.

Today, Wilder was deported from the North Pole and banned from re-entering, but not before serving a 21-day jail sentence in the North Pole District Jail for the 'extremely hurtful' attack.

North Pole Criminal Court heard that Wilder, was at home with his family in Oxfordshire, England, for Christmas Day.

But the festivities came to a halt when Wilder opened Santa's present towards the end of the day.

He broke into a rage, booking a last minute flight from Birmingham to the North Pole.

'Once he arrived at Mr Claus' house in the North Pole an argument broke out over some trainers he had given him and there were young reindeers and elves present,' said North Pole district prosecutor Snowball Smith.

'He was aggressive towards Mr Claus and threatened him and his elves with a kitchen knife, saying 'I'll jab you'.

'He also threatened to burn the house down and Santa called the police.'

Sugarplum Wilson, mitigating, told the court that Wilder was genuinely remorseful for his actions towards Mr Claus.

'He has apologised to Mr Claus and his reindeers and elves for the words he used, which must have been extremely hurtful,' he said.

Wilder wore a white snowman jumper and grey tracksuit bottoms and smirked at members of the elf jury during the hearing.

Judge Bushy Evergreen told the teenager: 'You have pleaded guilty to a serious offence.

'The use of a knife in a domestic setting makes this a very serious incident and the fact that young reindeers and elves were present to witness it makes it worse.'

Wilder was sentenced to 21 days in the district prison, and ordered to pay $500 compensation to Mr Claus.

He was also made the subject of a restraining order banning him from contacting Mr Claus and given a deportation order and banned from re-entering the North Pole Autonomous Region.

A spokesman for Santa Claus' workshop confirmed that Wilder was now on the naughty list and would be receiving coal in his stocking next Christmas.

Man sentenced to treadmill after eating doughnuts before lunch

A man who ate doughnuts before having lunch has appeared before Bolton Crown Court to be sentenced.

Twisted Luke Smith, of Sharnford Close, Bolton, indulged in the sugary delights on Friday 15th May 2015 just before lunch time.

The 21-year-old was finally exposed when he posted a picture of himself eating the doughnuts on Facebook.

He was initially arrested after a total of 2 discarded chocolate bar wrappers were discovered in his kitchen bin, but he was re-arrested after officers then found the images of him eating the doughnuts. He was charged under Section 12 of the Healthy Diet Act 2015.

Max French, prosecuting, told Bolton Crown Court, that Smith had purchased the doughnuts from a branch of Heron Foods in Bolton Town Centre and had not intended to eat them until after lunch but was tempted by the exquisite taste.

He said: "He was doing his weekly shop at the Heron Foods supermarket in Bolton when he passed the confectionery aisle and saw the doughnuts."

Joe Goodman, mitigating, said: "He offers no excuses or explanation to this offending.

"He was a young man who started life as a healthy member of society, eating salad every day of the week and exercising regularly."

Smith pleaded guilty to consuming confectionery articles before a main course and an offence of failing to follow a healthy diet.

He was ordered to carry out 250 hours of treadmill exercise after the court heard he continues to pose a serious danger to his body and must serve a five year doughnut ban, in the form of a Category D Food Banning Order, followed by an extended strict salad and vegetable diet for five years.

Sentencing, Recorder, Judge John Shelton, QC, said: "You purchased the doughnuts and ate them before you had eaten a proper meal.

"You did that for your own pleasure, I am quite satisfied about that."