A man with the username “pyongyangoffcial1kimjongunisourgreatestoverlord1lol” left a scathing report on the tourism review site TripAdvisor, panning everything from the President’s choice of curtains, his choice of carpets, the colour of his kettle to the state of the bathroom, which according to the man’s review had a single human hair in it by the taps, which were gold according to the review and the shower had silk curtains.
President Obama’s reaction on being informed about the review was said to have made him utter words that according to a chief U.S. dignatory “should never enter the consciousness of the American public” as he heard expletives that he didn’t even know existed.
Obama has also been said to have knocked the Oval office coffee table out of shape by pummeling it with his bare fists, smacked a portrait of Abraham Lincoln off the wall in one of the hallways and spilled some of his coffee onto the top part of his knee as examples of some of his behaviour that followed when he was informed about the bad review.
After he calmed down following the outburst of anger which lasted precisely 31 seconds, he took steps to remove all future internet access from the internal White House Wi-Fi for official guests. If a guest in the future tries to access Google, or TripAdvisor for that matter, they will instead be redirected to a video of cute kittens playing with each other and there will be a place to leave suggestions on an internal site only.
If a guest then tries to access the internet on a mobile device instead, that will become a matter for the CIA who will confiscate any such device and hold it indefinitely by completely wiping it and then selling it second hand on eBay.
Obama was said to remark: “Things are getting so strict inside this White House that everyone‘s even going to have to breathe in a certain way.”
He also threatened vengeance on North Korea which he said would take a “nuclear form” but the threat was very quickly retracted by the White House because of the slight possibility that a nuclear holocaust might result in reaction by North Korea, so instead President Obama has resolved to create an account on TripAdvisor and reply respectfully.
Obama also claims that watching episodes of “Looney Tunes” calms him down. In an official statement, Obama said: “Whenever something goes wrong in the Middle East, I go and watch some of Bugs Bunny’s crazy antics for half an hour and then usually I have the presence of mind to come up with a solution."
Donald Trump on hearing about the story claimed that he wouldn’t leave Pyongyang as anything more than a smoking hole in the ground in response and that the reviewer must have been a Muslim.
The Review
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"The mighty DPRK visits the US, for first time in half century, and we be most accommodated for five minutes, and then nothing but misery.
"Yes, I no like stay in White House, sense of style, you must be laugh, we have far more, how do you say, decorum in Pyongyang isn’t it lol. The curtains are just draped, just all down you, when you try to do what you’ve got to do, silk is very beautiful, I like! But I have allergic reaction,
"I try to take shower, remove the bits of skin caused by Obama curtain, it no come off, when I try to reach bathroom quick, I have to wait and then escort by many guards, then the carpet itch my feet, it has an ugly colour, like something that I last saw drop from dog bottom.
"When I am itch, I laugh and be disgusted at the same time at the sight of this, they offer me tea to calm me, the kettle is too bluey-purple for me, I get colorblinded, we have a nice tasteful red in our president palace of Kim Jong-un grand overlord, much be respect to you sir.
"This white house, I can no recommend, visit if you have to, if you can not stand it, only have diplomatic relations with more tasteful country. I’m out. P.S White House, I have your towels haha!"
Obama's Response
PresidentObama has responded to this review
Obama's Response
PresidentObama has responded to this review
“I have never been so insulted, so enraged and so disappointed by the conduct of you and many of your personal entourage on your state visit to the White House last week.
"However, for the sake of relations between us in the United States of America and the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, particularly given the ever increasing size of your nuclear arsenal, both you and I know that you’ve got enough nuclear based weaponry to make Chernobyl look like a firework, I think we should draw a line under what happened and let bygones be bygones.
"I will admit that we did not show enough sympathy in an official capacity for your sudden dramatic skin rash and for that I am truly sorry on behalf of me, and every one at a senior level at the White House and in the U.S. government.
"We should have called that ambulance as you requested and it would not have been a complete waste of time as I suggested in an outburst of anger that I am very sorry for now!
"As I know Kim Jong-un (our supreme overlord, I bow) is hovering nearer and nearer the red button every day, I shall do my utmost to avoid offending him and anyone closely associated with your great country ever again. I will even order a recall of “The Interview”, consider that my most personal apology and compensation.
For when you next visit. I have personally ordered one room to be decorated in Pyongyang style with a colour scheme, furnishings, carpet and fittings that are in complete homage to the great Kim Jong-un.
"P.S your country is nuts! JOKE! JOKE! Just in case you get all offended again, take life a bit less seriously like I do the tax laws and obamacare, so we all learn to get by!
"President Barack Obama"
