Lynx create new anti-deodorant to increase foul odour

Lynx have created a new anti-deodorant that means people will always, constantly smell of B.O, all day, everyday.

Traditional sprays or roll-ons aim to either mask pongs or block the pores to stop sweaty armpits.

But a new formula has been designed that encourages chemicals in sweat to turn into bad smells.

It was developed by Lynx at their UK headquarters in Leatherhead, Surrey and will be trialed across Europe for the next two years before being made globally available by 2020.

The anti-deodorant can be used immediately after a shower to bring back the musky, sickly B.O. smell which clean hygiene would usually otherwise remove. The target audience is those who wish to be clean, yet also incredibly sticky, which is 95% of the UK population according to market research.

Various flavours of the new product will be available on the shelves including Lynx Hobo, Lynx Musky, Lynx Silage and many other flavours not yet announced. According to an insider at Lynx there will be different flavours to simulate mud, silage, stagnant B.O., dirty oil from the garage and that smell after you've just had sex.

Jason Speakman, CEO of Lynx UK, said: “We are very excited here at Lynx to be adding a variety of new flavours to our portfolio to achieve maximum customer satisfaction.

"We have carried out extensive market research across the country to find out what our customers want and we are happy to be providing the products that the public are demanding.

"We are aiming for our new anti-deodorant products to hit the shelves globally by 2020."

Funny News attempted to contact Dove and Gillette for their views on the new Lynx product, but they could not be reached for comment. Industry analysts believe they may be attempting to rival Lynx with a new anti-deodorant of their own, which is said to be based on human excrement. However no official word has been given on this yet.

Promotional poster for the new Lynx Silage anti-deodorant
Coming soon to a bus stop billboard near you

Pudsey Bear gets jail time for £9.8k benefits fraud

A 31-year-old cartoon bear has appeared in court charged with fraudulently claiming nearly £10,000 in benefits he was not entitled to.

Pudsey Bear, from Pudsey, West Yorkshire, appeared at Bradford Crown Court on Friday charged with three counts of failing to notify the Department of Work and Pensions of his change in circumstances and one count of dishonesty for making a false statement in order to obtain benefits.

Pudsey pretended he was disabled by wearing an eye patch over his right eye when in actual fact, his eye was working fine and he did not need the eye patch. Pudsey further claimed that it took him as long as four hours to walk from the BBC studios in Elstree, Hertfordshire to the Co-op down the road, however it was discovered that this was normal for stuffed teddy bears and was not due to a disability.

The court heard how Pudsey claimed a total of £9,830.68 in benefits in 2012, for which he was not entitled.

Initially, Pudsey was claiming the benefits correctly in 2005, but continued to claim them despite a change in his circumstances in which became employed as the mascot for BBC's Children In Need.

DWP became aware of the situation after noticing the bear on BBC 1's Children In Need, and an investigation was launched with private investigators stationed outside the TV studios in Hertfordshire. Pudsey was secretly photographed reading a copy of the Watford Mercury without his eye patch, smoking and being manhandled by 10 year old Pudsey fans.

Speaking at court, magistrate Neil Russell said: “We have heard you have pleaded guilty to these four offences which have cost the tax payer over £9,000.

“For these four offences, the sentence would have been 26 weeks in prison, reduced on the basis of your early guilty plea to 18 weeks which will run concurrently to your existing sentence.

“There will be no financial implications to this – the local authority will seek to make whatever arrangements they need to get the money back. There will be no costs due to the prosecution nor a victim surcharge to be paid.”

The BBC will not be recruiting for a new Children In Need mascot as Pudsey will have served his time before the next Children In Need event.

All new bin men in England and Wales to have degrees

All new bin men in England and Wales will have to be educated in physics to degree level from 2020, the College of Waste Disposal has announced.

It said the training would help address changes in waste disposal.

Prospective bin men can either complete a three-year "degree apprenticeship", a postgraduate conversion course or a degree.

The National Council of Waste Disposal Operatives said the changes would "help modernise the service".

The college's Chief Bin Man Stewart Marshall said the feeling was the nature of waste disposal work has changed significantly and bin men now need to be able to identify the waste people throw away by the chemical elements of each piece of refuse.

"Inappropriate recycling has increased," he said, "We now see people mixing their recycling by placing cans and bottles in their general waste bin."

He also said protecting household recycling facilities has become a "high priority", with staff at these facilities now spending more of their time working to ensure members of the public are placing their refuse in the correct recycling container.

In many cases, when something is recycled incorrectly, staff members have to enter the container to manually retrieve the piece of refuse, whether it's a mattress that's been placed in a garden waste container, or a 70 kilogram filing cabinet that's been thrown into the electrical container.

This is often dangerous for the staff member, but essential.

The College of Waste Disposal, which is responsible for setting standards of ethics and training for bin men and recycling facility staff, is in talks with 12 universities about running the degree courses.

The syllabus is likely to cover chemical elements of every piece of possible refuse, the history of waste disposal, the evolution of waste disposal as well as what each bin and blue box is for and health and safety when climbing into the recycling containers to retrieve and incorrectly discarded piece of refuse.

There will be three options at entry level:

• A three-year waste management manager degree apprenticeship paid for by the council, allowing individuals to "earn while they learn" - spending 80% of their time on the frontline of waste disposal, and the rest completing their degree while receiving a salary

• A practical waste disposal degree, as seen in other professions, where the student would complete a three-year self-funded course and apply for a job once qualified

• For graduates, a six-month postgraduate conversion course funded by the council

Other changes to be introduced include:

• A national set of qualifications for recycling centre staff following promotion, for example in skills such as management and leadership

• A requirement for officers applying to be assistant deputy or above in a household recycling facility to have a master's degree - to be paid for by their council

The college plans to publish a directory of education qualifications for bin men and recycling staff next summer, with guidance as to how their on-the-job experience counts and what funding might be available to support them.

There are currently no standard recruitment requirements for bin men across the 174 councils in England and Wales.

UFO over Phoenix, Arizona identified as a plastic carrier bag

There were multiple reports of a UFO sighting in the sky over Arizona on Tuesday night.

Locals in Gilbert, southeast of Phoenix, claimed to see something white with two handles with "Walmart" written on it moving north to south in the East Valley area, before flying directly northwards towards Mesa. There was also another spotting on the other side of the valley in Sun City, near Glendale, however this was believed to be from Target.

One resident, named Todd, excitedly posted footage of the unusual sight onto Twitter, writing: 'Did anybody else just see a UFSB!?' (Unidentified Flying Shopping Bag)

He then quickly followed up his post with: "Oh, it's got the Walmart logo on it, nevermind!"

In the video, an object with a body and two handles can be seen crawling upwards in a sequence-like pattern.

The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office said it was dispatched to check that the shopping carriers were American and not illegal shopping bags that had blown in from a Mexican supermarket, south of the border.

Additionally, Glendale Walmart and Sun City Target did not return calls for comment.

Porn viewers affected by nationwide fault with online payment system for pornography sites

A fault with a pornography provider's card payment system left scores of customers across the UK queuing for extended lengths of time to pay for their 18+ content.

Porn customers across the UK were not able to pay with the online card system, or PayPal on Sunday October 30.

The failure hit customers from Kent to Kilmarnock, Prescot to Preston and Macclesfield to Melton Mowbray.

Unconfirmed reports noted customers in the Republic of Ireland may also have been struck by the technical fault including customers from Dublin, Cork and Waterford.

Various UK-based porn websites confirmed that at around 12.45pm they had temporarily switched off access in order to rectify the system issue.

This meant customers were unable to carry out their Sunday afternoon masturbation session and left many bulges in trousers across the nation.

Regular porn viewers have told of their experience.

A man who asked not to be named, but is a P. Skinner from Bootle, said: "I was so desperate I inadvertently went out and bought a carrier pigeon, and sent it with the payment in cash to the porn site's head office in London."

Two customers described visiting the website.

Michael Westbury from Hull said: "I was trying to access my favourite porn site, but all I got was an Error 404 message. Absolutely crazy!"

John Taylor from Ramsgate said that he had to resort to watching free porn sites, but that it "just wasn't as good" as his regular, paid content.

A spokesperson from the porn site said: “We are in the process of resolving a technical issue with our card payment system on site.

"We're continuing to process payments as quickly as we can but apologise to our customers for the inconvenience this has caused.”

"As a gesture of goodwill, we will be giving all our users one month free access as well as a meet and greet with the pornstars."

The Political Corner: Obama goes on warpath after negative White House review on TripAdvisor

Just as he prepares to step down for his successor in a couple of months, President Obama is said to be fuming with outrage that a visiting dignitary from North Korea who visited and stayed inside his official resident, The White House, has seemingly left a bad review on the TripAdvisor website.

A man with the username “pyongyangoffcial1kimjongunisourgreatestoverlord1lol” left a scathing report on the tourism review site TripAdvisor, panning everything from the President’s choice of curtains, his choice of carpets, the colour of his kettle to the state of the bathroom, which according to the man’s review had a single human hair in it by the taps, which were gold according to the review and the shower had silk curtains.

President Obama’s reaction on being informed about the review was said to have made him utter words that according to a chief U.S. dignatory “should never enter the consciousness of the American public” as he heard expletives that he didn’t even know existed.

Obama has also been said to have knocked the Oval office coffee table out of shape by pummeling it with his bare fists, smacked a portrait of Abraham Lincoln off the wall in one of the hallways and spilled some of his coffee onto the top part of his knee as examples of some of his behaviour that followed when he was informed about the bad review.

After he calmed down following the outburst of anger which lasted precisely 31 seconds, he took steps to remove all future internet access from the internal White House Wi-Fi for official guests. If a guest in the future tries to access Google, or TripAdvisor for that matter, they will instead be redirected to a video of cute kittens playing with each other and there will be a place to leave suggestions on an internal site only.

If a guest then tries to access the internet on a mobile device instead, that will become a matter for the CIA who will confiscate any such device and hold it indefinitely by completely wiping it and then selling it second hand on eBay.

Obama was said to remark: “Things are getting so strict inside this White House that everyone‘s even going to have to breathe in a certain way.”

He also threatened vengeance on North Korea which he said would take a “nuclear form” but the threat was very quickly retracted by the White House because of the slight possibility that a nuclear holocaust might result in reaction by North Korea, so instead President Obama has resolved to create an account on TripAdvisor and reply respectfully.

Obama also claims that watching episodes of “Looney Tunes” calms him down. In an official statement, Obama said: “Whenever something goes wrong in the Middle East, I go and watch some of Bugs Bunny’s crazy antics for half an hour and then usually I have the presence of mind to come up with a solution."

Donald Trump on hearing about the story claimed that he wouldn’t leave Pyongyang as anything more than a smoking hole in the ground in response and that the reviewer must have been a Muslim. 

The Review

*/*****

"The mighty DPRK visits the US, for first time in half century, and we be most accommodated for five minutes, and then nothing but misery.

"Yes, I no like stay in White House, sense of style, you must be laugh, we have far more, how do you say, decorum in Pyongyang isn’t it lol. The curtains are just draped, just all down you, when you try to do what you’ve got to do, silk is very beautiful, I like! But I have allergic reaction,

"I try to take shower, remove the bits of skin caused by Obama curtain, it no come off, when I try to reach bathroom quick, I have to wait and then escort by many guards, then the carpet itch my feet, it has an ugly colour, like something that I last saw drop from dog bottom.

"When I am itch, I laugh and be disgusted at the same time at the sight of this, they offer me tea to calm me, the kettle is too bluey-purple for me, I get colorblinded, we have a nice tasteful red in our president palace of Kim Jong-un grand overlord, much be respect to you sir.

"This white house, I can no recommend, visit if you have to, if you can not stand it, only have diplomatic relations with more tasteful country. I’m out. P.S White House, I have your towels haha!"

Obama's Response

PresidentObama has responded to this review

“I have never been so insulted, so enraged and so disappointed by the conduct of you and many of your personal entourage on your state visit to the White House last week.

"However, for the sake of relations between us in the United States of America and the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, particularly given the ever increasing size of your nuclear arsenal, both you and I know that you’ve got enough nuclear based weaponry to make Chernobyl look like a firework, I think we should draw a line under what happened and let bygones be bygones.

"I will admit that we did not show enough sympathy in an official capacity for your sudden dramatic skin rash and for that I am truly sorry on behalf of me, and every one at a senior level at the White House and in the U.S. government.

"We should have called that ambulance as you requested and it would not have been a complete waste of time as I suggested in an outburst of anger that I am very sorry for now!

"As I know Kim Jong-un (our supreme overlord, I bow) is hovering nearer and nearer the red button every day, I shall do my utmost to avoid offending him and anyone closely associated with your great country ever again. I will even order a recall of “The Interview”, consider that my most personal apology and compensation.

For when you next visit. I have personally ordered one room to be decorated in Pyongyang style with a colour scheme, furnishings, carpet and fittings that are in complete homage to the great Kim Jong-un.

"P.S your country is nuts! JOKE! JOKE! Just in case you get all offended again, take life a bit less seriously like I do the tax laws and obamacare, so we all learn to get by! 

"President Barack Obama"

Science News: Nuclear refuse to be dumped on moon

It has been announced that NASA has entered into partnership with Cumbria County Council Waste Management Services and British Nuclear Fuels Limited in a new project which will take the UK’s unwanted nuclear waste material from the Sellafield Nuclear Power Plant and simply dump it on the moon.

A spokesman from NASA has caused controversy by claiming it will make the moon “more exciting” because the nuclear material left stranded on its rocky surface “will quite literally glow in the dark and turn the colour of the moon at night from white, to one which will resemble the Emerald City from the Wizard Of Oz”.

When asked about any personnel that might be on board, NASA confirmed that not only will it not be a manned mission, but it will also not be safe for any human to visit the moon’s surface ever again as it will be a bit contaminated.

It has been announced that there will be an exclusion zone in place, which will happen to be the entire Moon.