Christmas Ghosts set to strike in row over pay and expenses

The three Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, as well as Jacob Marley, are set to take industrial action this Christmas in a row over pay and employee expenses, the Fright union has said.

The strike could cause some disruption during what could be the busiest Christmas period since the pandemic.

The ghosts are well known for visiting selfish people at Christmas in an attempt to get them to change their ways.

They will strike entirely on December 24th and 25th unless the Government meets the demands of the Fright union which represents the ghosts.

The impact of the action is uncertain, although Fright said more selfish and un-reformed people in 2024 was a 'strong possibility'.

The three ghosts gained fame in the 1840s when they were successful in reforming London based moneylender Ebeneezer Scrooge into a kind and thoughtful man, from his previous character of being selfish, self-centered and greedy.

A spokesghost at Fright said in a statement:

"We find it entirely unacceptable the way this government is treating our members.

"Our ghosts are out working the nightshift on Christmas and they need to receive a fair pay for this. Not only that, but they need expenses covering also.

"One of our employees, Jacob Marley, wears a large chain which he carries around in the afterlife as a symbol of how chained he was to his work when he was alive. It was starting to get rusty and he's had to go out and buy a new one. The Government have refused to allow him to claim this on expenses.

"It's a similar situation with Ghost of Christmas Future who accidentally damaged his robe after having one too many Peach Schnapps at the office Christmas party last year. He had to foot the bill for a new robe himself.

"These working practices are simply unacceptable and unless the Government comes up with a better solution at the negotiating table, these strikes will be going ahead."

The Government's Department for Poltergeist Affairs has so far refused to detail what offer could be on the table at the next round of negotiations.

Sky Cinema and AXN to launch new TV channels

Sky Cinema is launching two extra screens dedicated to celluloid violence: Sky Cinema Violence and Sky Cinema Extreme Violence. If successful Sky Cinema Language and Sky Cinema Language HD will also join the movie package.

Instead of violence being edited out, more violence will be added to special versions of films for the new channels.

Simon Turley, Sky Spokesman said: "We are launching the channel with a theme night in which we only show films in which everyone in them ends up dead. The channel is due to launch on August 11 on the anniversary of the London riots. There will also be a +1 channel because everybody, whether they admit it or not, likes to see violence over and over again.

"The new screen dedicated exclusively to the bad language of the big screen will also offer a theme night on its launch, showing films with at least one utterance of the "see you next Tuesday" flavoured expletive, which I'm not officially allowed to say on this statement."

Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels fits both channels perfectly and will be extensively shown. Footage from violent video games will also be shown in morning slots when no 18 certificate can legally be shown. A complete tour of Afghanistan as played in a Call Of Duty game by a hardcore gamer will feature in the schedule of he first week.

Irvine Welsh the author of Trainspotting has said to have been booked to introduce some of the films. A commotion was caused when he accidentally walked into the Sky News studio and started introducing the "f'**king weather", as a result OFCOM has fined for a TV station for the first ever time for a non compliant weather forecast.

Meanwhile, in Europe, Sony-owned broadcaster AXN is set to release new coloured channels to join their portfolio. Currently, in addition to the main AXN channel, AXN White and AXN Black is available to customers in a number of countries including Poland, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria and the Czech Republic.

Sony have stated that the following channels will be added to the AXN line-up:

AXN Yellow - Showing Chinese films

AXN Green - Showing films from other plants across the galaxy

AXN Blue - Showing films from underwater

AXN Grey - Showing old Hollywood films nobody wants to watch anymore

AXN Purple - Barney 24 hours a day

AXN Multicoloured - Stoned TV

Man successfully sues friends for 'unpaid rent' after Monopoly game

A man has successfully sued his friends for 'unpaid rent' following what started of as a friendly game of Monopoly.

John Matthews, 30, held a games night at his house in Burton-upon-Trent, Staffordshire back in December and invited four of his friends over. One of the games played was the Derby version of Monopoly.

It is alleged that Mr Matthews' obtained a number of properties on the game and built apartment complexes using the red and green board pieces that come with the game.

Matthews complained that when his friends landed on his properties, they refused to pay him any rent in Monopoly money, which the victim says was "out of spite", despite some of the properties he owned being located right next to the "Collect M200 Million As You Pass Go" square, and so they could "clearly afford the rent."

Mr Matthews said in a written statement: "It started out as a friendly game of our local monopoly, but unfortunately things turned dark when my so called 'friends' refused to pay the rent they owed me. There's absolutely no excuse for it. They are cheaters and I'll be damned if I ever play Monopoly with them again."

Mr Matthews took all four of his ex-friends to Burton-upon-Trent County Court, where he won his case and they were ordered to pay him costs and compensation, apologise and to read the rules on Monopoly in full. As a result, they are now reportedly in 'financial dire straits' and one has had to downgrade accommodation to a cardboard box near Burton train station.

This is due to the Board Games Act 2017, which states anyone playing Monopoly enters into a legally binding contract, and therefore must pay rent when it is owed. This is the first reported case of this kind in the country.

One of Mr Matthew's friend's, Dan Smith, defended his actions, saying he didn't know he had to pay rent as "John had been in jail."

He told us: "John picked up a chance card and was thrown in jail for unpaid taxes. I thought if he was in jail, we didn't need to pay rent on the properties he owned. He's coming after us for unpaid rent, but he clearly doesn't pay his own bills, otherwise he wouldn't have ended up in jail. He needs to look at his own morals before attacking others."

According to another one of Mr Matthew's friend's, the game ended when he failed to roll a double six to get out of jail, he immediately saw red and ended up throwing the game board off the kitchen table in extreme anger, with red and green board pieces, chance cards and community chest cards going across the floor, before he stormed off, claiming the game was "stupid anyway".

Matthews later concluded by stating that they would be sticking to non-board games in the future, including Twister and Pass The Parcel. However, he may be playing on his own, as he allegedly no longer has friends and people in the Burton-upon-Trent area regularly cross to the other side of the road when they see him approaching.

Mr Matthew's former friends will be featured on the next series of Channel 5's 'Can't Pay, We'll Take It Away'.

Monopoly Derby Edition

Lynx create new anti-deodorant to increase foul odour

Lynx have created a new anti-deodorant that means people will always, constantly smell of B.O, all day, everyday.

Traditional sprays or roll-ons aim to either mask pongs or block the pores to stop sweaty armpits.

But a new formula has been designed that encourages chemicals in sweat to turn into bad smells.

It was developed by Lynx at their UK headquarters in Leatherhead, Surrey and will be trialed across Europe for the next two years before being made globally available by 2020.

The anti-deodorant can be used immediately after a shower to bring back the musky, sickly B.O. smell which clean hygiene would usually otherwise remove. The target audience is those who wish to be clean, yet also incredibly sticky, which is 95% of the UK population according to market research.

Various flavours of the new product will be available on the shelves including Lynx Hobo, Lynx Musky, Lynx Silage and many other flavours not yet announced. According to an insider at Lynx there will be different flavours to simulate mud, silage, stagnant B.O., dirty oil from the garage and that smell after you've just had sex.

Jason Speakman, CEO of Lynx UK, said: “We are very excited here at Lynx to be adding a variety of new flavours to our portfolio to achieve maximum customer satisfaction.

"We have carried out extensive market research across the country to find out what our customers want and we are happy to be providing the products that the public are demanding.

"We are aiming for our new anti-deodorant products to hit the shelves globally by 2020."

Funny News attempted to contact Dove and Gillette for their views on the new Lynx product, but they could not be reached for comment. Industry analysts believe they may be attempting to rival Lynx with a new anti-deodorant of their own, which is said to be based on human excrement. However no official word has been given on this yet.

Promotional poster for the new Lynx Silage anti-deodorant
Coming soon to a bus stop billboard near you

Pudsey Bear gets jail time for £9.8k benefits fraud

A 31-year-old cartoon bear has appeared in court charged with fraudulently claiming nearly £10,000 in benefits he was not entitled to.

Pudsey Bear, from Pudsey, West Yorkshire, appeared at Bradford Crown Court on Friday charged with three counts of failing to notify the Department of Work and Pensions of his change in circumstances and one count of dishonesty for making a false statement in order to obtain benefits.

Pudsey pretended he was disabled by wearing an eye patch over his right eye when in actual fact, his eye was working fine and he did not need the eye patch. Pudsey further claimed that it took him as long as four hours to walk from the BBC studios in Elstree, Hertfordshire to the Co-op down the road, however it was discovered that this was normal for stuffed teddy bears and was not due to a disability.

The court heard how Pudsey claimed a total of £9,830.68 in benefits in 2012, for which he was not entitled.

Initially, Pudsey was claiming the benefits correctly in 2005, but continued to claim them despite a change in his circumstances in which became employed as the mascot for BBC's Children In Need.

DWP became aware of the situation after noticing the bear on BBC 1's Children In Need, and an investigation was launched with private investigators stationed outside the TV studios in Hertfordshire. Pudsey was secretly photographed reading a copy of the Watford Mercury without his eye patch, smoking and being manhandled by 10 year old Pudsey fans.

Speaking at court, magistrate Neil Russell said: “We have heard you have pleaded guilty to these four offences which have cost the tax payer over £9,000.

“For these four offences, the sentence would have been 26 weeks in prison, reduced on the basis of your early guilty plea to 18 weeks which will run concurrently to your existing sentence.

“There will be no financial implications to this – the local authority will seek to make whatever arrangements they need to get the money back. There will be no costs due to the prosecution nor a victim surcharge to be paid.”

The BBC will not be recruiting for a new Children In Need mascot as Pudsey will have served his time before the next Children In Need event.

All new bin men in England and Wales to have degrees

All new bin men in England and Wales will have to be educated in physics to degree level from 2020, the College of Waste Disposal has announced.

It said the training would help address changes in waste disposal.

Prospective bin men can either complete a three-year "degree apprenticeship", a postgraduate conversion course or a degree.

The National Council of Waste Disposal Operatives said the changes would "help modernise the service".

The college's Chief Bin Man Stewart Marshall said the feeling was the nature of waste disposal work has changed significantly and bin men now need to be able to identify the waste people throw away by the chemical elements of each piece of refuse.

"Inappropriate recycling has increased," he said, "We now see people mixing their recycling by placing cans and bottles in their general waste bin."

He also said protecting household recycling facilities has become a "high priority", with staff at these facilities now spending more of their time working to ensure members of the public are placing their refuse in the correct recycling container.

In many cases, when something is recycled incorrectly, staff members have to enter the container to manually retrieve the piece of refuse, whether it's a mattress that's been placed in a garden waste container, or a 70 kilogram filing cabinet that's been thrown into the electrical container.

This is often dangerous for the staff member, but essential.

The College of Waste Disposal, which is responsible for setting standards of ethics and training for bin men and recycling facility staff, is in talks with 12 universities about running the degree courses.

The syllabus is likely to cover chemical elements of every piece of possible refuse, the history of waste disposal, the evolution of waste disposal as well as what each bin and blue box is for and health and safety when climbing into the recycling containers to retrieve and incorrectly discarded piece of refuse.

There will be three options at entry level:

• A three-year waste management manager degree apprenticeship paid for by the council, allowing individuals to "earn while they learn" - spending 80% of their time on the frontline of waste disposal, and the rest completing their degree while receiving a salary

• A practical waste disposal degree, as seen in other professions, where the student would complete a three-year self-funded course and apply for a job once qualified

• For graduates, a six-month postgraduate conversion course funded by the council

Other changes to be introduced include:

• A national set of qualifications for recycling centre staff following promotion, for example in skills such as management and leadership

• A requirement for officers applying to be assistant deputy or above in a household recycling facility to have a master's degree - to be paid for by their council

The college plans to publish a directory of education qualifications for bin men and recycling staff next summer, with guidance as to how their on-the-job experience counts and what funding might be available to support them.

There are currently no standard recruitment requirements for bin men across the 174 councils in England and Wales.

UFO over Phoenix, Arizona identified as a plastic carrier bag

There were multiple reports of a UFO sighting in the sky over Arizona on Tuesday night.

Locals in Gilbert, southeast of Phoenix, claimed to see something white with two handles with "Walmart" written on it moving north to south in the East Valley area, before flying directly northwards towards Mesa. There was also another spotting on the other side of the valley in Sun City, near Glendale, however this was believed to be from Target.

One resident, named Todd, excitedly posted footage of the unusual sight onto Twitter, writing: 'Did anybody else just see a UFSB!?' (Unidentified Flying Shopping Bag)

He then quickly followed up his post with: "Oh, it's got the Walmart logo on it, nevermind!"

In the video, an object with a body and two handles can be seen crawling upwards in a sequence-like pattern.

The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office said it was dispatched to check that the shopping carriers were American and not illegal shopping bags that had blown in from a Mexican supermarket, south of the border.

Additionally, Glendale Walmart and Sun City Target did not return calls for comment.